Only a rant

Current mood:  distressed

I feel so alone most of the time. Its hard to understand how i’ve done this to myself.  I’ve got this boyfriend who on one hand is a great guy. On the other he has a nasty temper (which I have been lucky enough to not see the worst of), because of his childhood problems is an oblivian seeker( also luckily he only seeks it by drinking) and is bi-sexual.

I’m the straightest girl on the planet, but it’s hard for me to handle the idea of him wanting to suck dick then have it put up his ass. He didn’t mention it last night. Maybe because I’d made a couple of comments, but the last three times before that he had. Talk about a mood killer. I want to just tell him to get off me when he says stuff. But I’m trying to take his needs into consideration.

but who the hell can I talk to about this stuff. I don’t want anyone to dislike him. and who the hell would understant this shit?  Most people (like my instincts) would just tell me to leave him. The worst part of that is that I don’t even know if I’ll be able to.

then we have my mother. she can be whiny. you see my sister just got back into drugs. So mom is all upset about it. At this point with her I’m just like let the little bitch kill herself. There’s not much we can do that we haven’t already. well unless we hogtie her.

So i’ve been stressed and upset about various things, and she wants to talk about all this stuff that I can’t help her withl.and she’s all you don’t hardly give me any money anymore. Yeah i don’t live there give you $200 as it is and have to help pay for my apartment and food. pluse stuff for the baby before it arives.

I don’t know what to do. half the time I try to think of ways I could put myself in a coma or something, but not hurt the baby. If i think of one there won’t be anymore updates. until then, I’ll keep comming back. because this is the only place I can go to get this off my chest. and to stay sane.


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