Here we go again

Mon, Dec 07 12:02 AM

Here we go again.

I’m not sure if this is going to be private or not. It probably should be. But to be honest I need some feedback. Or at least to feel like I’m talking to someone else.

My home life has taken another turn for the worse. I go from an abusive boyfriend, to an abusive mother. to compare she is much more verbally abusive, he was more abusive in a physical or threat of physical sort of way. with either one I feel as if I can do nothing right. That nothing I do is ever good enough. After a while it eats away at you and you just feel that you aren’t good enough. I’ve tried to reach out to a few people, but maybe it’s been the wrong ones because I have gotten little back in return.

Funny so now I guess I’m reaching out here. I’ve never liked the whole playing the victim thing. I thought of it as weak. And worse, fake. But is it ok if you really are? Everyone tells me to get away from her, that its not me. But is it? Is it really? Have I been raised to be someone that no one wants to live with or be around?

If so what needs to change? Because I have been trying to change for the last 2 years and I can’t seem to do enough. They also say I don’t do enough, that I’m not doing all that I can. Maybe that would be true if I wasn’t so hurt. I spend to much energy making myself feel like someone that deserves to be breathing. If I didn’t have to do that could I do more? would I be a person that people want to be around?

I don’t know. I don’t know what to do or where to turn.

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