Control

Control

I’ve known for a long time that my mom was mentally abusive. But, what I didn’t realize until now is how incredibly controlling she is.

She is so controlling that it has made me unable to think for myself. This was compounded by my ex. But without him I may have never realized how bad the problem is.

it was really clarified for me when my ex, my son and I put up a christmas tree this year. I was afraid to put up ornaments because I didn’t want to get yelled at for putting them in the wrong place.

That wasn’t him putting that fear was her. She always has to have everything her way. Then I thought of what a friend said recently when I asked her about roles I’ve played. She pointed out in highschool I was a quiet outsider who just went along with what other people wanted to do.

at first i was a little insulted, but i stepped back and took a look at what she said. and it was true. why? because very few things in life have ever mattered to me as much as even what kind mustard to buy matters to my mother.

This made me think of all the trouble I have when people ask me what I want to do, or what I like to do in general. I think I have problems figuring out what I like for the simple reason that except when buying things for myself, what I want to or like to do has never really been a consideration.

I’ve also posted part of this as a breakthrough.

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