So many things go through my head as I sit to write this. What has happened today, my good news, my bad news. My annoyances, my complements. The “ex’s”.
I have a little obsession right now. It’s about a guy I used to date. One of the very few that I didn’t see through to the nasty end. He never gave me a chance to.
I’m now going to pause to dig the hidden bottle of rum our from under my bed, take a drink of it followed by a swig of diet coke and come back to this.
Do I really want to? See it through to the end, yes. Have the american dream of the husband and the white picket fence? maybe not. I don’t like settling down. It makes me feel like I’m drowning.
I feel like I can’t do what I want. Usually because what I want involves runing into ex’s and going to bars. Not to drink mind you (at least not just to drink), but to see bands play. To hang out with my friends. I don’t go there to pick up guys. I never have. But a lot of hugging goes on at shows. This tends to piss guys off that don’t understand it.
So the reason things didn’t work out with the “obsession C” is because at the time I wanted something more solid in my life. A real boyfriend. You see when i’m being the real me I have occasional boyfriends in between flings. Boyfriends usually last a max of 3 years (usually more like 3 months to 1 yr). My flings on the other hand usually average 3 to 5 yrs. Those are at least the ones that aren’t one night stands.
I’m not sure what makes flings work for me, something Iguess i’ll have to work out with my threapist, if i ever get one. lol
So yeah obsession C, he has been on my mind lately. Not really a big deal because he is on my mind often. The last time we talked I had to throw his number down a gutter. It was the only way I wasn’t going to call him constantly. Which would have been really bad since I was still living with ex-baby daddy.
He told me as long as I was happy. I said I was. I lied and it’s haunted me ever since. That was about a yr and a half ago. I have a few mutual friends, that never knew we messed around, that I have gently tried to get info about him from. Either I am being way to subtle or way too aggressive because I have not heard anything.
So in this fantasy we are together, living the american dream. But in reality do either of us really want that? Do I want to do that and kill everything that makes a relationship special? Yes I say everything. the monotony of everyday life kills me to the core. Chores and bills and responsiblities…these are the things that kill my relationships.
I’m not saying it’s not me, because it is. like I said I hate this stuff. But can I really pull off the not in a relationship relationship? Yes but there are a few factors that need to be addressed. One is that we have to be able to be seen togetehr. I will be a fling, but I wont be treated as something to be ashamed of or hidden. Two, When you are with me I am the only one. Because that is the way I will treat you. Three, you have to be willing to be my friend as well as lover. and Four, I control pase.
Do I really want to talk or see you every day, no. Do I want to know that you are going to the store? Only if i’m there or I read it on your facebook page.
Ok now i’m getting sleepy so bye bye for now