dec 4th

Another day. I’m starting to get very annoyed at ex-baby daddy. I guess the thought we were actually getting back together soon because I was being so nice to him. Wrong, I was just being nice and hanging out because he has a broken foot.

I didn’t mean to lead him on, I didn’t say anything about getting back together. I just felt sorry for him because he does’t have tv. all he has is about 30 movies he’s seen a few hundred times ea. I offered to pay for basic cable, he just wanted me to buy him food.

Don’t get me wrong I’m pretty far away from having extra money, but I have more than him. and right now the rent and bills where I live are like a total of 450 a month. Yeah don’t let anyone ever tell you public housing isn’t cheap.

He and I got into this descusion and I finally had to break it down. I love him as a friend, but I don’t want to go back to being his girlfriend. He still doesn’t quite get that I don’t want to sleep with him. ever again. But he has caused huge fights about that kind of thing. So if i actually have to say that it will be over the phone.

Am I chicken? Yes, and unless you are a serious boxer or other type of martial artist you would be too.

I started crying today when my aunt started talking about my old friends at the bar saying they missed me. My cousin went to my old hang out a few weeks ago and my name came up. I miss my old life and friends so much. It’s like the aged high school football star that still talks about those old glory days. It must suck to peek in high school. I peeked a little later. Sometimes it doesn’t matter that you are a big fish in a small pond, what matters is that at some point in your life you got to be a big fish.

If you can’t live your dream, at least you can do that. I’ve spent so much of my life trying to make others happy and live up to their expectations, (or at least make them think you are,) that I don’t really know what I want. I can usually figure out what I don’t want. But that usually still leaves a whole lot to cover.

I’m trying to get a good nights sleep tonight, so for now good bye.

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