Here is a stressful, but not uncommon day in my life.
I wake up too early with the baby pulling on my shoulder. He wants to get up. We get up and go to the front room, luckily my mom is still asleep. I turn on the morning cartoons and make him a sippy cup of milk. We hang out, he has some dry cereal and banana. I make some coffee.
I sit an recap the night before in my head as he watches tv, hoping mom stays asleep for a while, a long while. I didn’t get much sleep. I was thinking about some of the things that happened with bd. I had posted some old blogs on here yesterday. And then there was the fact she had kept me up a lot of the night. She was in another of her “moods”. At one point I had to go pee and I swear to god that if i’d had something I could have pee’d in instead of going out there I would have. I was in and out of sleep for a few (like 3) hours waiting for her to go to sleep for at least a while.
I hear nothing for a while. I get up hoping it’s safe…she’s in the bathroom. fuck. i try to wait for her to get out. it takes for ever and i get up and tell her i have to go pee. She says she’s almost done in the hall, it’ll be a second. …
So I start getting ready to go see ex – baby daddy. In the mean time about 20 of the cheerios have ended up on the floor. She wakes up, it was about 5 to 10 mins off from when that damn stuff was going to get picked up.
So after bitching that the coffee is too weak (she bought the wrong kind of coffee a while back, but of course somehow it’s my fault I hadn’t gotten to the store to buy more beans. She starts in on the floor. I try to be nice because she is having some heart issues right now. But she is and has been on my last nerve for the last few months. the floor gets swept.
she asks why i’m getting dressed so early and I say it’s because i’m going to take the baby to the his dad. I hated to say it, it’s like asking please make me feel like shit and tell me what a horrible person I am. how worthless…
So yeah she starts. I get defensive because lets be real, there is only so much I can take and it’s a sore subject. that she will put the dagger in and turn it, every chance she gets.
She starts saying she’d be nicer to me if I went out with other people. If I tried. Now I’m crying. I don’t have anyone to go out with. I don’t have a car and I don’t have a babysitter. There is only one of my friends who comes to see me, she’s married has a baby mine’s age and is prego again.
Well if i tried to call some of my old flames. Oh yeah I’ve tried that. the three i’ve tried have all pretty much shot me down.
there is an interested one he’s married and wants to have an affair. The one I really want to see, well, I can’t / don’t know how, to get a hold of him. Go out with my party girl cousin, no, she doesn’t want to take me out. Are you and aunty really that blind? it’s alway oh ok, but well we don’t go to that bar…
What ever i’m finally out the door after her stoping me 5 times to make sure I have stuff. the stuff i needed i had, a few other things i didn’t have, but i didn’t need them either.
I call ex – bd, oh wow you’re just now on your way, you’ll take forever, (thanks). what do you need from the store? ok i’ll get that and a couple other things. I ended up spending about 25, not much really.
We have a nice time at the apartment. He tried to kiss on me a few occasions, which I find annoying. but all in all it was pretty nice. Then he starts to get all moody as I get ready to leave. I’m trying to beat the rain, the sun and the cold home… He starts, I’m so sorry I love you so much. I’ll never hurt you again. Please stay, or at least can we have sex. I try to make him understand. I cry, he cries. Thank god the baby was asleep.
So much drama. So much crap being drug up.
It starts raining as I leave the building. I put the new cover for the stroller on. It works perfectly, the fit isn’t quite right, but hey I can hold it on till I figure out a way. I get back to the store. I call to ask what we need at the house. no answer. I get coffee, flavored creamer and French bread.
It was just going to rain harder so I skipped picking up the money order for his energy bill (at least he gave me the money this time). I head back to the house.
I think this was the best part of my day. walking in the rain with the baby under his see though protective hood. I didn’t need anyone, for a moment I wished i could just keep going. I headed home.
When I got there one of the front room chairs was sitting with the back of the chair towards the roof. my mom was cleaning like she’d been doing for the last 24 hours. She’d lost it. she was all happy and talking about buying or getting some house. Maybe the house my family lost that was my aunts, before that it was my grandma’s i’d grown upthere. it was the only home i’d really ever known.
She was saying something about painting walls, doing tile and a staircase. It’s a one story house. I play along with her delusions for about as long as I can. But then something happens. by 10:00pm the baby and I had been ran into our room three times. at one point she said i deserved to be hit.
I didn’t really hear most of it. She talks to herself out loud a lot. I ignore her, it makes my life easier. But sometimes she is talking to me, most of the time she has to repeat herself because a) i’m not listening. b) she mumbles and c) I don’t want to know.
That of course gets me bitched at too.
So now my baby boy is finally asleep and I get to rant to you. I pray I’m left alone though the night ( i usually am), I pray I don’t have to go pee and I pray that my medicine works tonight. I need some sleep.