oh fuck

Tonight was bad, very bad. Not worst, but I’m reminded of when it was at it’s worst.

I’m not sure what triggers it, certain times of year, certain friends, certain activities…

He was visiting friends tonight that he hasn’t hung out with in a while. I don’t know if it’s what they do together, or what. but he came home very drunk and mean. he was all upset because I had to move something he left lying around so the baby wouldn’t get it.

Next he spilled his dinner on the floor. I think he ate half of it off the floor, but he wiped it up at least.

He had me so nervous. I had to change the baby’s diaper, and chased him in the bedroom. so I get yelled at from the front room that if I don’t get back in there and watch tv he isn’t going to let me watch it ever again. fuck me, fuck me bla. he said it so many times even the baby said it.

So I come back in and he’s like it’s ok here find something all mean again. at this point my shaking a little because I’m so pissed off and scared of what might happen next.

I take the remote and try to find something to watch, just them the baby walks up and starts asking me for a sippy. I tell him to wait a second while i find something on the tv. I’m watching him he has this mini basketball net in his hands and brings it by his shoulder. Not around his neck by his shoulder.

asshole goes over to him takes the thing away makes him cry. then looks at me like he wants to kill me and yells fuck the tv take your kid before he kills himself.

I do and asshole goes off on this tangent of how if anything like that ever happens again he’ll take the remote and hit me across the face with it. then that once i’m on the ground he’ll jump on me till the baby is ok again.

then he says he’ll kill me if he sees anything like that. and goes on to threaten me that he’ll take the baby away from me. that he has recording of me yelling at the baby. and that it’s the only thing he’ll need.

so I’d better be good and work with him. he also mentioned that he was going to quit his job because he couldn’t trust me with the baby.

this kind of shit only happens when he gets all drunk and mean. It makes me so nervous I can’t stand it.

If he starts doing this again, I’m so out. I’ve never hated anyone as much as I hate him when he’s drunk.

I’ve got to get everything together. I’ve got to get that video camera working and get some of this stuff. it’s so sick.

but I have to prove I can do all this without him. then I can leave and there is nothing he can do. 🙂

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