more of the same

I wish I wrote h.ere everyday. maybe one day I will, until that day you will have to put up with my occasional posts.

first I want everyone to know that if I suddenly end up dead it was not an assisted suicide or mercy kill. You know at least unless I end up horrible burned/disfigured, in constant pain, or with a painful terminator illness. yeah I’m not much for pain or disfigurment. (I’ll probalby end up really deformed in my next life because of it, but I degress)

I just read an article teaser about mercy-killing being the new "pro-life frontier." And while I do believe in it (yeah, yeah, lack of appreciation for human life bla, bla blow me), I don’t want to be murdered and have whoever did it get off with that excuse. While perhaps I should go on some diatribe about the rights and wrongs of the mercy kill, and why I suport it and most forms of removing those who are either evil, in pain, too stupid to breath and those that are basically just a burden on society, I’m not going to.
Maybe just to piss some people off.

So there have been a few things happening lately that are bringing all of this up. It started a week or so ago, when a homeless guy was arrested for killing his girlfriend because she shouldn’t buy him a forty oz beer. Asshole of course (jokingly or not) was like well I can kinda see his point. unsurprizingly I was actually thinking that was something he might do under the wrong sircomstances. I thought that before he had to go and confirm my suspiscions.

It freaked me out a little bit. that he. would actually say that.
then the threats started. I think it was just to scare me, as a form of control, but he started saying he’d kill me. He said he wanted to get rid of me so he could be a single dad. he’s been saying that he hates me and wants to hit me. The problem with him is that the seriousness of the statements all depends on his frame of mind at the time. Sometimes its a joke, sometimes, I think he might actually be serious.

His drinking has increased a lot too. Up to four 32’s of 6.9% beer a night, almost every night. He has also been peeing the bed a lot again. Three times in the last week. At least twice here (once almost a week ago, one night before last and maybe last night, but we aren’t sure about that one because he said he might have just rolled onto a wet spot. yeah, slept in a pissed on bed instead of the couch of the floor, nasty ass) and once when he got too drunk on "his friday" and spend the night at the abandoned house.

For not I’m calling his grandma’s the abandoned house. Because really that’s what it is. We don’t’ live there, and neither does his brother. the place is basically just getting ran into the ground. I really hope we end up moving in there though. it’s going to make transitioning to an place alone for Sonny and I much easier.

Now of course is the time for waiting and gathering money. which is really hard right now. the car is up for a smog and registration which will be about $200 when all is said and done. And I just had to spend $80 for some parts. I had gas leaking onto my motor. Yeah, for the last lets say two months I’ve been driving around a fireball waiting to happen.

As for the money though, I have a few ideas. There is always getting a bank account and getting a payday loan from check cashing. I think there are people in the Mafia that have a lower loan rate though. My next idea was to go to my boss. she may or may not be able to help. Next is asking my friends. but which friends? The one that has the kid Sonny’s age is a maybe for some of it. I can say under any other circumstances the answer would be no, but I think she’d do almost anything to get me away from Asshole.

Another idea is to ask one of my ex’s that I’ve been trying to be friends with on facebook. I don’t really like those implications though. It’s just that I know he has money because he works as a union iron worker at refineries. I donk’t really know if he’s want to help though. I kinda think he just wants sex. I’m beginning to think that was all he ever wanted from me. which is strange because a lot of people tease him about being gay because he never has a girlfriend.

And no I don’t look like a man. I was actually really attractive back in my day. I’m one of those wish she was the girl next door kind of pretty’s. Nothing outstanding enough to be a super model, though I could have done catalogs. Taller than average, but still too short to be a model, not quite the right body type for anything up pin-up. sorta anna Nichole before she went insane. (but with different coloring, I am not a blond) These days I look my age for the first time ever and have put on about 50 lbs too many.

Anyway before my trip down what people have led me to believe lane. Those are pretty much the only people I know these days that have any money. Wait I just thought of one more. But the chances of that happening are like one in a million. One in a trillion. I really think the one I just thought of thinks I’m a stalker.

Of course I’m kinda an idiot about these things, so I’ll probably mention it anyway. I’ll say he can send it to me in a check or via pay pal. I’ll pay him back the same way. He never even has to see me.

I do have a family member, but he has issues with the family because his side of the family is always asking him for money. Well what the hell does he expect? Brag about all the money you have in the bank, to your very broke mother, brother and sister…

Ok I think that is enough for now.

I hope anyone who runs across this is having a great day, and if you’re not, maybe you will because you know that someone else is having a really shity life lol

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