I’d like to say that I’m numb, but I’m not. I’m lost.
I had a happy moment yesterday. A me moment. It’s been a really long time. I hate to say that the one time I’ve truely been happy and felt like myself was the one time I was free of everyone and everything, but it was. Asshole was out fishing and I knew he wouldn’t be home for hours, Sonny was at my friends playing with her kids and getting babysit for a few hours. I was out running errands before going home to clean and try to pack.
I decided to go by the one bar left in town from my old days. Just to see who was there. I got the old butterflies. I always used to get super excited and nervous before going out. Never knowing exactly who you’d see or what would happen. It could be great it could be tragic. It could be nothing special. I loved it. I don’t know why that always happened, but it almost always did. It didn’t matter that I was going to the same place, and seeing mostly the same people who I saw every other week.
So anyway I went. And it was somewhat anti climactic. The old bartender was there and it was great to see him. It was strange though. (Which, was kinda part of the fun, the expectation.) I think he was a little flabbergasted to see me. We conversed and he had a few other people to wait on, but no one else was there that I know. It was a little early for the after work crew, and it was way early for the nighttime"weekday" party to come in. But while he seemed happy to see me, he seemed flustered.
It was kinda strange. I can’t quite describe it yet, but of course I’ll try to give an idea. it wasn’t like he didn’t want to see me, it was like he didn’t know how to act. We’d never been real close, but sorta. He cleaned something off either his pants or shirt that I couldn’t see. it was just like he didn’t quite know what to do with himself. Like maybe he’d had a secret crush on me?
Anyway, the intrigue was fun and interesting. then I came back to my life. I hate my life. I used to be a happy person. I was a person that people love or were jealous of. Not everyone, but anyone paying attention. Sometimes people had those aha moments with me. Like they had been around me for a while, but never noticed until one of my "shining moments" when I grabbed the attention of everyone in the room. Of course there were some people whose attenion I had from the start.
But I was fun, I was happy. they liked me, loved me. Now I just feel awful all the time. misrible really. like all the fun, easy goingness, everything that made me, me, has been taken away.