and now

Again can’t write too much, so I will do a brief overview. four days ago it “started”. He was being a dick as usual. We “had sex”. When I say had sex, I’m talking about something between rape and talking me into it via guilt or manipulation. In reality I don’t want him to touch me in any way, so any time he does it’s pretty much unwanted. (ok occasionally when he is being really nice a hug is ok). When I resist him that is when it starts to go bad. at worse I get mentally beat down for anywhere from a half hour to two hours and then hit. I’ve never let it go past that because at that point I stop resisting. sometimes it’s one or the other when I resist. 

Once in a while I get away with not having to do it, but it isn’t often. so I just do it. I don’t enjoy it and lately I’ve been started crying during it. So anyway I conceded for two days in a row. On the second day I believe, it was, what ever day he was off. He made me take him shopping, he was a jerk from the moment we got out of the car. He yelled at me in the store. when we got home we argued a little, then the started threatening me. I just wanted to leave, I was going to go clean the old place and he wuldn’t let me. He yanked the strap that my keys were on (around my neck) and pulled me forward hard. It hurt, it pulled a muscel in my back. Then he said he wasn’t going to let me out of his sight. He told me that if I didn’t stop crying and shaking he was going to beat me with everything in the house he could find, and if he killed me burry my in the wooden area around the house. (aka out back)


I was terrified. He was completely sober. There was nothing I could do, shit faced drunk maybe, sober, sober he really could kill me. So then terrifed and trembling I had to help him put up a picture and mirror. I felt like I was going to fall over, my knees weak.

There was a day when he was nice, probably the next day. It was a nice night.

Last night he got shit faced and made me pay for it because he spent all his money on stupid shit for the house. pictures, mirror, decorations… so I had to pay out $20 for alcohol and cigs. Lat night he made me have sex with himm. I hated it. then i couldn’t sleep. Bad thoughts kept going through my head. us fighting, my mom being sick, the “guy I like” finding me desgusting. 

Thankfully Asshole decided to passout/sleep on the little couch outside so if and when he pissed the bed. I hate him. I hate him more than anything. I think he is one of the bad people. A Hitler, a serial killer, a beast. He is my worst nightmare.


2 responses to “and now

  1. Then why do you stay? I will never understand why people continue to stay in such insane conditions. My Mom use to always tell me, “Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results!”
    So I say to you, Get Out of the Problem and into the solution!! JUST LEAVE!!

    • if you read more you will understand more. but the easy answer is that I’ve been convinced that harm will come to myself and the people I love if I do. So what do I do? I work on leaving in a way he never thought I would. In a way that he can’t threaten me about. and it you read more, you would know that it’s getting closer and closer for that time to come.

      Other than that, I don’t know why. I can’t explain it to someone who has not lived it. I can’t make you understand why I’m here anymore than I could have made the person I was before this relationship understand why anyone would stay here. I don’t understand myself. I do know part of it is fear, part of it is thinking I’m protecting those I love.

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