again

sex again. I want to try and talk to him about it, but I’m afraid to. There have been times when I could talk to him. There have been times when I’ve told him about what he does and he has said maybe I should leave him.  But right now…I want to say please stop doing this to me. If you don’t I’m going to end up leaving you.

I guess part of me wants to soften the blow. I’m not sure if it’s soffening it for me or him. But so he knows why I’m leaving when I do. At least part of why. But part of me doesn’t want to say anything. I’m trying to plan my departure. 

I’ve thought about printing out some of these blog posts and a simple not saying this is why I left. Another thought more recently was to print out the pictures of all my bruises and leave them in a note that says when you are lonely or mad because I left look at these. These are why I’m gone and why you are alone. You hurt me and your son, that is why we are no longer there.

I’ve had other ideas too. I’m just not sure what to do. I want him to understand why I couldn’t stay. I don’t want him to come after me or Sonny. I want him to leave us alone. At least not do anything crazy.

He was really upset tonight because his second cousin, who was like a big brother to him died recently. He lived in Okalahoma or somewhere like that, so the furneral was there, but they are having a memorial here (his home town) in a few days.

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