12/17/2012

Catchy title don’t you think?

Anyway wanted to send a catch up. Had the calm after the storm for a few days. He has just kept drinking and hasn’t stopped a night. Assholes daughter came by today. I love that girl. He was really nice to her so that was good. But he flashed on me at the end of the evening after he was super drunk. Saying that he was going to burn my car if I couldn’t find the keys. I’m so sick of it. and so close to getting out of it.

I had an epiphany today. We were driving before we picked his daughter up. As you should all know he hates the way I drive. I’m not a bad driver, but I drive differently than him. Big shock, I do everything differently than he would. So anyway he made a couple comments and had me a little tense anyway. but things were still ok. Then he tells me to change lanes and go another way to the place we are going. I’m not thrilled about it. I just want to go the way I want so he makes me change a couple lanes. Some chick is trying to do some manuver to get into the lane I was in, but she just stops, so I go in front of her. Personally it was a mix of being a little tense, not knowing what the hell she was doing and not really giving a fuck. If you are going to pull that shit own it or don’t do it. So anyway she couldn’t fit all the way in the lane after I pulled up. so she was holding up some traffic. Then some other lady did the same thing behind her. I’m basically just like what the hell is wrong with people. But he starts going off on me. how what I did was so fucked up and how she is going to come up and kick my ass and he is going to let her and blah blah blah for like 5 to 10 mins. Then he tells me to go yet another way so it looks like I had to get in the lane for a reason. I’m so upset by the time that we get tothe other place that I stay in the car while he runs in for things. Sonny goes with him. Seemed to go well.

But, I was just thinking all I want is to feel safe. I just want to feel safe, and I don’t know how long it’s been since I’ve felt safe. Then I thought of Sonny. And how he is always afraid he’s going to get in trouble. I wonder if he feels safe. And what it must be like to not feel safe. And the saddest part is that I know I can’t stop Asshole. I can’t stop him from hurting either of us. it’s part of the "cult deprogramming" I’m talking about. it seems normal to me because it’s been so long. but it’s not normal. I don’t know how I’m going to do all this. I don’t know how I’m going to pay the bills here and pay the rent there. I don’t know if he is going to take my car from me or blow it up. I don’t know what he’s going to do. but I know that I have to get up away from him.

I have to make us safe.

There were no incidents Nothing bad happened. we pretty much just came home he ate some food and went to sleep. But I hate the anxious feeling all the time. I don’t know if I’ll ever feel really safe again. but I’ve made myself the promise that I will make my son feel safe.

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