don’t know where to start

it has been extreme hell the last week or so. This will be a quick summary because I don’t have either the time or energy to get into all of it now.

My mom "had a massive heart attack", I found her on the floor and had to call the ambulance. the way she looked was burned into my memory, it was terrible. One of those things you wish you could unsee, but can’t once you’ve seen it. she was on deaths door step, but somehow managed to survive. she was in 2 different hospitals, one was almost 30 miles away. they now have her in a convalescent hospital temporarily.

Two nights ago Asshole hit me again. I had been being a bitch for a few days because I was sick and he was doing things like waking me up to go on beer runs and asking me to cook dinner when I could hardly keep my eyes open. He got pissed because between stress, visiting my mom and being sick the house was a mess. He was also mad because I put cinnamon down to stop ants from going in our bedroom. I was slapped, punched in the ribs, I put my arms up to stop him from slapping me and he drug me accross the kitchen by my hair and hit my arms probably 6 to 8 times. My hand, writst, forearm, shoulder are all swollen. my shoulder is also bruised, for some reason this is the only one so far.

My eye was swollen for a day, but ended up not getting a bruse. I have a couple of bumps on my forehead as well, but those are hard do see and are mostly sore. He broke his $1000 computer by throwing it on the ground a couple of times. he kneed my on the side of my back, but didn’t make very good contact.

The next day my sister put down her/our dog that we’d had for 16 years. Today, I’m just kinda numb. But I was doing some research on why women stay in abusive relationships. I’m puzzled and disgusted that I haven’t left. I want to, but haven’t and I have to figure out why. I have to get my mind right. I also talked to counselors on both local and national abuse hotlines. They tell me you can check this out or check that out, but that I’ll leave when I’m ready. my life coach is just pissed that I haven’t left yet. I wish I could find something in between. I need help figuring this out and finding a way to get myself out. I don’t need it’s ok to do nothing and I don’t need just leave.

If I could just leave, I’d be gone already.

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