Other 12/17/2012

I think my distraction is feeling it. I told him a few days ago that I didn’t want to flirt with him anymore. That we could talk, but that it was starting to make me feel guilty. That I was starting to feel sorry for Asshole and that wasn’t where my head needed to be. This came after the big fight Asshole and I had. That night I sent him a text saying that I’d had a really bad night and that it would mean a lot to me to hear from him the next day.

he didn’t call. a day or two later I sent him a message stating the above plus a little more. like he was making it easy for me to do because he never text me anymore. He talked to me three days in a row the day after I sent it. Today was actually the first time I haven’t heard from him. And I miss him. I knew I would. it’s actually easier when I know he won’t call me, at least then I don’t hope, I don’t check, I don’t feel the disappointment of him not being there. I mean I know he is, but it’s still not easy to miss him.

I’m still feeling really guilty. I’m sure if I can figure out what to tell him about how I got the place I’d feel better. I don’t know if I screwed up or not, but I found the card that had my rent amount and the down for the apartment on it in the garage. it was by the laundry. I’m not sure if he saw it or not, but if he did he hasn’t said anything.

He flashed on me about the computer again. I don’t know what I’m going to do about that after I move either. I could pick up a cheap small tablet or netbook (like a 7 inch) for around a $100. Then just use the phone till after that. Its all so overwhelming and I have pretty much no where to turn. I need some suport, and while I know my mom loves me, she is so out of it that she can’t help me really. Her health had totally deteriorated in the last year or so.

My distraction obviously cares, but I only seem to get a reaction or asked questions when I back off. Like back way off. I’m kinda afraid to engage. I feel like Maverick in Top Gun. I want to go after him, but am too afraid to because he may pull away. Of course he pulled away today anyway. Maybe it was because he figured out I’d still talk to him just not sext with him. Or that I wasn’t mad at him really. Or that he found out what had been going on. And of course I sugar coated it. We were texting for god’s sake. I didn’t have time to gointo much detail. And I’m not quite ready to connect the dots of he will kick my ass if he finds out, and we got into a really big fight. he doesn’t need to know at this point that he threw me to the ground, tried to choke me, punched me in the head and side and bit my head and tore out hair.

He doesn’t need to know that’s what happened and that’s why I asked him to text me. text me so maybe on that sad day after I had a reason to hope again, a reason to smile. No he doesn’t need to know. but I did appreciate that he did send me messages three days in a row. morning and evening. He put in a big effort there. And showed that he doesn’t want to lose me. I still don’t have a clue what I am to him. No idea at all. I mean I can speculate and guess. I can take his actions recently, and what he has said and done resently and say well this probably means…

But I don’t know if it really does. What he has told me is that he wasn’t in love with me, years ago, and that he didn’t want anything serious. I guess serious can mean different things to different people. Oh I don’t know. He seems to go to a lot of trouble though just to get laid. And he doesn’t even know when he’s going to get laid.

I wish I understood this part of him.

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