Broken Hearts

I’ve been working on another blog recently. I’m trying to work on my writing skills and have a place where I could actually direct people to. 

This blog is my dirty little secret, all my pain poured out for the world to see. Life is both very different and very the same. Now that my asshole abusive boyfriend is now my ex I don’t see him nearly as much, but he is still controlling way too much of my life. 

He has a new girlfriend and I feel really sorry for her. At the same time I don’t want them to break up because I don’t’ want him back to bugging me all the time. I really can’t stand him most of the time. 

There is a guy I’m totally in love with. He is pretty much everything I’ve ever wanted. But he is also a few things I don’t want, a very devout christian who totally believes in the bible, more or less a right wing conservative and one of my ex’s best friends 

Without explaining everything it would be very hard to understand. Short version is that we started talking on facebook one night after he came over for dinner at out house (when my ex and I were still together). It suddenly hit me like a brick how attractive he is. 

We talked almost every day thoughout the day for about a month. At that part we both started trying to separate a little. But it didn’t work very well. We mostly kept to safe subjects, religion. I think we started falling for eachother though. He has never been able to admit it to me & maybe even himself. But I know. 

So after about 3 months of this crazyness he broke things off. thogh we kept talking for a few more months, it was never the same after that. It’s been a little over a year and I’m still messed up about it. Probably becasuse we spend most of that year running into each other constantly. Getting slowly closer, from staring, to waving, to talking to me trying to messge him again and him telling me to go away. Then he’d show up, somewhere, somehow, and it would all start all over again.

I did a good job of telling him to go to hell recently. I couldn’t take it anymore. Seeing him hurt, talking to him hurt, not seeing him hurt. It was impossible to keep going on the way we were. Running into each other a few times a week, waving and smiling and chatting. All the while all I wanted was to have the intimacy back we had before. But he wouldn’t let it happen. He wouldn’t message me. He’s just sit there and pretend that all the messages never happened. I was going crazy to I stopped it. 

I’ve only seen him once in almost a month. I was at a store and he drove by. He didn’t see me. I miss seeing him, but I hate seeing him because it makes me crazy.

While we were going through our “break-up” messages phase I told him part of the reason I wanted to be his friend on facebook again is so I could see all his religious & political posts (these are the area’s where we generally disagree, ). The reason was so I’d be reminded of our differences so maybe it would help me get over him. He’s one of those who has his profile set to friends only.

Well he blocked my account so I couldn’t message him anymore. After seeing him in the car I started freaking, so I had a friend look at his page for me. All of a sudden his posts were public. I was thinking ok do you have them public now because you aren’t afraid of me stalking your site or do you think I’m going to open an additional fb profile just so I can see you? Yes I have three facebook pages. One personal, one secret account so I could talk to people my abusive ex didn’t want me talking to and a work one. Over the course of the year he had eventually blocked all the accounts. 

In my defence on messaging him from all the different ones though, he would usually show up within days of me blocking him. Once was at a bbq, another time he came to a holiday I was spending with my ex and the last time he drove by my house. Yes he can easily avoid my house and has as far as I know since I caught him driving by this last time. 

We were having out last break-up, he told me we can be friends but not close. No hugs, no messages, just waving and ocational chit chat like we’d been. I more or less told him to go hell. The next day he drove by my house. So I sent him a message telling him to stay away from me for a while because I was heartbroken and seeing him hurt me. 

the day after that I got in a fight with my ex, which he posted some details of on facebook. Even though this guy liked the post that made me look like a bitch he drove by again. It was like he was checking on me. He had this amazing abilty to always be there when I needed him. He wouldn’t even know I’d need him, but somehow he’d be there. it was after he’d blocked me, but he saw we were fighting and he showed up. 

I don’t think he’s driven by since though. Of course I don’t constantly sit out on my balcony looking for him either. But I just dont’ think he’s let himself. 

Anyway I’m having a bad week and I”m almost ready to make an additional fb account to see his profile from. I mean part of me thinks he made it public for me to look at. But if he did wtf dude? My accounts are blocked, is he expecting me to have or make another one? I might as well have the name on it be Boi Sta’kar. lol

it confuses the hell out of me. I tell him I want to see your posts to help me get over you and suddenly they are pubic, but I’m blocked. WTF? I wish I didn’t love him so much, I wish I didn’t miss him. I wish that ….. I wish so many things. But it can’t be and it tears me apart.


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