Raise Your Glass, We’re About To Toast

No this isn’t about drinking, but it is about my current situation that kinda reminds me of my favorite toast. 

Here’s to the men that we love, and here’s to the men who love us, but the men that me love aren’t the men who love us to fuck all of them here’s to us!

 

There is a guy I call J and while he has been a “huge” part of my life for the last yr and a half or so, I haven’t mentioned him much here. Possibly because I’m mentioning him everywhere else. There are a million things I could say about him, and believe me I have, but lets just say for now that I love him dearly. Maybe as much as my first love, in some ways maybe more. Regardless we seem to be “star-crossed lovers” destined to look but not touch. Spun in the whirlwind of Dante’s 2nd circle of hell. Though I don’t think it is quite deserved. 

And then there is RW (R) I’ve liked him for years, but I barely know him. Suddenly I’ve found myself distanced from J and in a “poking war” with R on facebook. I try chatting with him occasionally but it seems difficult for me. Talking to guys, especially via the written word isn’t hard for me. But I get one sentence answers to my questions, when he bothers to answer. 

I’d give up all hope, but he calls me baby girl and my love and I can’t help but hope it might turn into something. Yet I fear it as well. I fear dating anyone because of my ex. And any of you who have read this blog know what he’s all about. It’s a little more than a yr later and he is still a thorn in my side, even though he has a new girlfriend who lives with him.

So I feel guilty dragging someone into this situation. I feel guilty because I’m not over J, not even close. Although his recent driving by my house has brought up some mixed emotions. I love him, hate him, I’m thankful he’s there and I’m furious he’s shown up. What if this means something more than he’s sick of avoiding my street? (it’s sorta a main street, but very easy to avoid) And if it does what?

And that is where the panic and pms come into play. all the doubts that he paid attention to and I was ignoring. The words he wrote scared into the back of my eyelids, it would never work, it can’t happen….

it sounds crazy without all the backstory and I know i’ve written about him some, but not enough. A short version is that we became online friends and became very close. I split from my ex and we continued to talk but less. We’d already had a couple of issues before then. And here is how our pattern works we go from close to one of us causing a blow up. Then there is a distance between us for a while. Then we run into each other. Very slowly the gap gets smaller and smaller, until one of us can’t take it and causes another rift. 

It’s kinda like an earthquake. We keep getting pushed together till the pressure gets to great and then shake up!

Anyway for about a month I’ve been “talking” to R. We haven’t tried to see each other, thank god. And like I said i’ve had kinda a crush for yrs, but I think he’s been married or something along those lines till recently. I have a lot of fear going on, not just because of the ex, this guy could handle that if needed. But because I don’t have time for stupid stuff. I have a son who is old enough now to figure things out. He can also mention stuff to my ex who is always on the lookout for me to be dating someone. 

Then there are the things I’d like to avoid. I was a little worried about the working thing because I though he was on disability, but it looks like that isn’t an issue. But he does seem to drink a lot. I dont’ need another full time drunk in my life. I’d like someone like me. drinks a few times a week, but not enough to get more than a buzz 90% of the time. 

R actually disappeared for 2 or 3 days and a big part of me was hoping he had decided I wasn’t worth the effort. Or that he was looking for a quickie, which I wasn’t. But his phone was broke. 

I’ve also been having J withdrawals, bad ones. But like always his ass showed up. That started a whole different chain of emotions and events that are still in the works. I’m basically going to send him a letter making it clear that unless he wants to own up to (not even act on, but own up to) what he’s doing and why he’s doing it to stay the hell away from me. I live in a spot where you could say I have 3 streets. two of them lead to driveways of my apartment complex and one drives by my balcony. All three streets can be seen by my balcony. I can forgive occasionally driving by the large one that goes by my balcony. I can forgive the one that is connected to a convenience store, though there is another one closer to his house. But when he drives down the one that “we” consider my street (which has nothing he could be going to the time he always comes by) and THEN comes down the street that goes by my balcony its too much. 

There is no reason for him to be on that street unless it has something to do with me. period. I just can’t take it. I can’t take the hope, I can’t take the rejection, I cant take the pain. I was literally laughing and crying the other day when he did it for the 2nd or 3rd time since we started fighting this last time. laughing because I was happy he was there, thinking of me and crying because I was happy and because I can’t have him and because I miss him so very desperately. Crying because I know I have no control over what my body feels when I see him. 

I can choose to look away or stare. I can choose to try and contact him or not. I can choose if I want to wave and smile or burst into tears. But I can’t control my heartbeat, I can’t control the quickening of my pulse or the dilation of my eyes. I can’t stop the ache in my heart and the longing for our old conversations. 

Then there is R, leaving me full of questions and doubts while charming me. The possibility of love and happiness and safety, but also of drama, heartbreak and pain. Both for me and for him. I can’t say that if J came around I wouldn’t run to him. Even if it does seem doomed…

 

Maybe this will help me get some sleep. I couldn’t before and I have to get up in about 5 hrs now.

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