That Time of Year

I’ve been thinking a lot lately and it’s been kinda hard. I’ve been trying to let go of a guy. Been trying to bond with another guy. Dealing with my ex.

Right now I’m super pissed. I was having an issue with something that needed fixed. Asshole called, drunk as fuck, asking if I needed his help. I said no I’m good. He said are you sure, I can ride down there, fix it, spend the night on the couch and leave from there in the morning.

Uh no.

He has a lot going on, having some issues with his ex, his last ex. They are off and on and I have no idea why she would want him, but whatever, keeps his sorry ass out of my hair. At least most of the time.

Maybe Christmas does that to people. I know I’ve been lonely. Not enough to go back to my ex of course, or even be around him really. Sometimes it’s nice to hang out and be friends, but that is all I want to be.

I mean what can I do? I’m in love with one of his best friends, who doesn’t want anything to go with me. And that guy man. He is attracted to me, but can’t admit it, not even to himself. Everything he does screams that he likes me, everything that comes out of his mouth screams he doesn’t.

I’m processing things. I’m working on letting go. It’s very complicated and doesn’t really make since. I think part of the problem for me is that I have the same connection to him as I had to my first love.

Everyone always says no other love is like your first love. I’m not gonna philosophise about that now. What I will say is that with my 1st love We were best friends, there was crazy sexual attraction, and there was something more. I’m not talking about the mystery “love” thing, it was more like a spiritual connection. Like we could communicate telepathically, or something, but not like that. My mom went out to dinner with us once and said she had never seen two people so close. That it was like we communicated in code because we didn’t have to say everything, we didn’t have to explain, we just knew what the other meant.

In steps Jay.  I’ve written a bit about him here. Not as much here as I have to my friends irl. So actually consider yourself lucky. But it’s been a roller coaster over the last (almost) two years. I feel about him, like I did my 1st love. There was a time when we were basically best friends, there was sexual attraction, we got each other. We didn’t have to work to make the other understand, we just got it. At least till I told him I liked him. Then it all fell apart. Well it actually started falling apart about a month before that. But that’s a story for another time.

So anyway, It took me about 15 yrs to find someone I had that threefold connection with. The friendship, the attraction, the other thing. When you lose your first love, it’s hard, but for me I knew I’d live. You have that and nothing else is the same. So maybe you settle, maybe you just find different things. For some I think it gets better. And in ways the bad times got better, but the good times…they were hard to touch. Then I found Jay, and he was what I’d been looking for and I’d been looking for 15 yrs.

At this point I’m terrified that I won’t find it again. Or that it will take another 15 yrs. That would pretty much make me old. When you can almost touch what you want it’s hard to let it go.

Funny thing is that realizing this means I’m one step closer to letting him go. When my 1st and I broke up we had a conversation where he said I’m afraid I’ll never find someone who loves me the way you do. I said I’m not afraid I’ll find someone to love me, because I know I will, what I’m afraid of it that I’ll never love someone else the way I love you.

I have that same feeling now. But this time, I have to believe that the feelings aren’t mutual. There are so many signs. It’s hard.

Another thing that makes this hard is that I’m used to have a few guys ready to jump whenever I’m single. It’s just the way it is. I used to go a while between actual boyfriends. I’d “date” I’d flirt, I’d chill with my friends. I always had a few guys to pick from. My rule of thumb was to take me time and see what happens. Wait till I couldn’t wait anymore, till the time was right.

I’m in a strange place now because I dont have that. I can’t just go out these days. I have a child and no one really to watch him. I also have a crazy ex who even after almost two yrs won’t let me go. Even though he has had a few different girlfriends.

Also the friends I do have are mostly female and mostly married. For the first time my friends are no help at all for helping me find a guy. I don’t know what I’m doing.

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