Today has been interesting. I was at a kids birthday party where everyone was coupled up. Which was fine, I’m used to all of them being couples, but then my friends Dad walked in. He’s 60 and even he had a girlfriend. I was like “forever alone”. that’s it.
I had to walk out of the party for a moment because I couldn’t hold it together. I got to my car before I actually started crying. Just tears streaming down my face, not the whole shoulder shaking sobbing thing. I did some deep breathing and told myself I was being stupid. I pulled myself together. Thankfully when I went back in Sonny wasn’t feeling good so we had to leave.
I was kinda relieved that I didn’t have to go to the rest of the parties that day, but I’m also a little disappointed I didn’t get to go see my friends.
I’ve been all over the place since I’ve been home. I tell myself things will be fine. That he will come around. Then I think about things he’s done and I get pissed. I’ll see something or read something and it sets me off. I made the mistake of taking a quizz that told me my seduction style. I was The Charmer. Said no one I had my eyes on could resist me. That I could become a persons source of comfort and pleasure. That I take away all their insecurities. bla bla. But it was true, I know it was all stuff I’ve done, numerous times. Which destroyed me. I know I do that, not intentionally, it’s just kinda how I am. If I’m irresistible how come he doesn’t want me? I know I’m a great and attractive girl, why doesn’t he like me?
Ok so then I stopped being a whiny bitch, picked myself up and had a cookie.
A little later in the day. I heard a vehicle go by my house that sounded like J’s. For whatever reason the engine revved strangely as it drove by. I’ve looked at a million vehicles drive by over the last yr. Raced to the window to look out and see if it was him. He drives by, a lot. I live on a main street though, so he has the excuse. Last time we did this I stopped looking. I started closing the blinds early instead of leaving them open in case he “snuck” up the street that faces my window so he couldn’t check up on my anymore. So Idk if he still does. Well I know he does once in a while, but I have no idea if he comes by as much as he used to.
I’m shook up. I’m crying. You know, saying you are crying doesn’t mean much. Saying I feel like there is a vice grip on my heart and like it hurts to breath is a little closer to how I feel.