Today has been up and down.
Saw J today, we were across from each other at a stop sign. I’m not sure if he looked at me or not, damn glare, once I could see in his window he was looking away. I tried to wave, I almost honked, but I didn’t.
This caused me to send a txt stating that i wasn’t mad at him, but that I wasn’t going to put myself out there anymore to be regected by him yet again. that I didn’t care if we waved at each other or chatted about the weather when we bumped into each other. but that friends and acquantances were different and we were acquantances.
I thought the playing hard to get was good. like i’m not mad at cha, but I dont’ really give a fuck either because i’m sick of your shit.
I replayed that over and over in my head all day. I was feeling pretty good about things. I didn’t expect him to answer me back, but if i’m gonna be honest it did irritated me a little that he didn’t.
I checked his fb page earlier for the last few days, he’s actually seemed in at least somewhat decent mood. that depressed me a little. I was hoping my saying I wasn’t his friend anymore would at least have some effect. I went back to thinking maybe I am an idiot. Maybe I’m reading it all wrong.
He hadn’t been on fb all day, so I checked it again tonight to see if there was any change. only a couple posting a few hours ago. then I saw that he’d been out somewhere. and I wanted to know if he’d gone with anyone.
he went to the city, and to eat with one of his neighbors. she’s older than either of us, has short gray hair and is flat chested. Basically the opposite of me. Not his type at all. actually her daughter would be more his type.
He went out with her, the next day I belive I asked him to send some positive energy because both my son and I were having a hard time. He kidded with me a little about it (long story, said he would then we both went to bed) A few days later is when he totally stopped talking to me again. He’d told me he’d been going through the same kind of stuff. lost, confused overwhelmed. he’d said he’d been going through some crap too.
then he disapeared…..
I didn’t see anymore posts regarding her. but what the fuck? I wish he’d just be straight with me and tell me what the fuck is going on with him. does he like this woman or not? does he like me? why the fuck does he disapear?
on a totally unrelated side note another thing came up that I kinda wish I could talk to him about, my sister is pregnant with her second kid. I don’t know what she’s thinking. it was an accident, i guess. but Im upset. maybe because she has this perfect life and im stuck with shit? I’m just pissed everyone is getting what they want but me.
I feel old. im unhappy, im broke and I”m alone.
and to make matters fucking worse J’s name keeps coming up. comercials, tv shows, my ex and his gf. I know none of it’s planned, at least I don’t think it is on their part, but fuck! oh and my fucking horoscope and his keep matching. or at least they could be depending on how you read them. but mine will say somethng like it’s darkest before the dawn good things are coming soon. Then his will say you’ve come to a decision that is a long time coming, but you may keep it a secret because you’re afraid it will bring out the worse in someone. but you’ll be happy about it.
now of course this could be about anything. why would it be about what I want? although both of us are afraid that him liking me would anger my ex. but now that I know about this neighbor person he might just be deciding to date her. He did look happy in the selfie of them driving together. I hate them both.
so i’m a little drunk, well a little buzzed, not nearly buzzed enough. I think I’ll have beer 3 befor trying to get some sleep. or should I say cry myself to sleep. fuck i hate this. I was doing so well till my sister made that anouncement. then just everything bad.