Well I have skipped a few days, and to be honest the “experiment” may be a little tainted for reason’s besides that. But time marches on and so do my posts. I do apologize though. And I will try to fill you in on some of the ups and downs.
Part of this “theory” I have actually coincides with addiction & withdrawal. The only information I was able to find was in regard to people who were trying to stop smoking cigarettes. ( The Article )The first 3 days have to do with actual physical withdrawal. This would be the most obvious in people who were living together and/or spending a lot of time together. It may even bleed over to people who communicate daily, but I’m honestly not sure, since in this case when we stopped communicating every day it was a long time ago and I wasn’t paying attention.
The 3 Week stage, which I’m just entering is when that part has pretty much dissipated and you are dealing with psychological withdrawal. I know in my past relationships I’d had breakthroughs in the psychological aspects at this stage. It’s as if you can suddenly breath again.
At 3 Months you have been dealing with the bla feelings transitioning from the psychological withdrawal aspects into well I guess this is my life now. You’ve been tending to wounds and by 3 months you are feeling better about life in general. You start to accept that things are different and you can live through it. You also start to get bored and want to get back out there, you want to move on.
Where I have screwed this up is that I basically relapsed. I had help, there were extenuating circumstances, which I’ll cover in a min. but regardless, I fell back into the trap that I thought there was a solid realistic chance that we’d be able to be together.
I think I took my first break from writing in part because I was sick, part because a few days before Valentines Day I checked his facebook page and saw that he went out for an adventure & dinner with one of his neighbors. He called her a friend, but that is the only girl besides his family that he’s ever taken a selfie with.
I was pretty devastated. In part for the obvious reason which is that he was out with a single female who wasn’t me. The other reason was because it actually happened a day or two before we’d had a slight moment. I was feeling especially lost, because of my sisters pregnancy, because of a lot of different things going on in my life. I txt him and asked him to pray for me. He said he would, he said he’d been going through some of the same things.
I tried to talk to him a few days later to thank him for the prayers & tell him I was feeling better, but he wouldn’t reply. That’s when I checked his page. My mind raced, then twisted. Hell, the thursday before Valentines Day, maybe two days after I acquired this information, I had to give my ex a 20 mins ride and ended up crying. I blamed it on feeling old, ugly, fat & unwanted.
He was sympathetic, said he could cry and he wished he’d been nicer to me so this wasn’t happening. I honestly hoped maybe he’d talk to J and tell him how I was feeling. Because to a point I know he’d been feeling those ugly feelings from above as well. I thought maybe my ex would take pity on us, since he has a girlfriend and hook us up. No such luck.
I put on a brave face for Valentines day. My son was excited about it & I’d made him promises I had to keep. Just because I was miserable didn’t mean he was going to be. 🙂
I did check J’s facebook page and it looked like he’d stayed home. Or at least hadn’t had anything going on he’d felt the need to share. That brightened my evening a little.
The next day my ex came over to see our son. I can’t remember exactly why at the moment. On his way here he ran into J. They had an awkward conversation, involving me. I won’t go into details. But J was asking questions about how much time we spent together, was acting weird…
Then of course my ex came up and I mentioned J, because I’d just seen him go by. (but for some reason I didn’t say that, which was a little stupid). That opened up a can of worms where ex (Asshole) was asking if there was something the two of us needed to tell him. Asking why I was smiling when he hinted that J was acting weird & gave off the impression he liked me. I blamed it on my ex saying that J was the only guy he’d approve of me dating.
It was still a little awkward between us as the visit went on, even though I said I hadn’t seen him and hadn’t talked to him ( true in specific terms, not in technical). I tried to blow it off as maybe J had just wanted to hang out with him, but didn’t want to say it. idk if he bought it or not, but it’s been about 2 wks and ex hasn’t mentioned anything else about it.
That of course is where my relapse happened. I saw J go by on Valentines morning and the next day. maybe twice, the next day. Then that happened. I thought I had a chance. I thought I’d tell J ex said something weird and he’d talk to me again like he did last time. I really did want to talk to him about it. I wanted to tell him the part I’d played, that ex had almost seemed ok with it. Not happy, but like if he liked me & I liked him and we asked for permission my ex would let us.
He never replied. I still hoped for a while, but I’m giving up hope. Another thing that makes me give up hope is that J went out with that woman again and posted another pic of them together. I didn’t see that till earlier. It makes me think maybe they are dating. She seems too old (probably 10 yrs older than him, maybe more), like he’d be more likely to date her daughter, but who knows. She is my opposite in looks. Super short gray hair, flat chested, big hips. And she seems to be really together, maybe retired from a good job or something. She drives a convertible.
There are guys who’d give their left nut to have a chance with me, or at least there have been. And I know there are still a few that would take some pain for the chance ( of course 2 of those are in serious relationships). I can’t even get him to give me the time of day anymore. I want to know why. It kills me. I want to know why he won’t be my friend. Just my friend. I know he likes talking to me. I know he cares about me as a person. it’s not just the prayers. it’s the way his face tends to light up most of the time when he sees me. Unless we are “fighting” like right now. He listens to me, he remembers what I say.
I didn’t do anything wrong. I didn’t flirt with him, I didn’t try to hang out with him, I didn’t txt him everyday. It breaks my fucking heart that he won’t even be friends with me. And I just don’t get it. I mean he could feel uncomfortable because he knows I have feelings for him, even if I’m pretending I don’t. But I just don’t get why he would just disappear and act like I insulted his mother or something.
My heart aches. There are times when it hurts to breath. It feels like something is ripping me apart from the inside.
So you see, I’m not exactly sure if I’m back to day 12 or day 5 or day 1.