The Power of 3 – 3 Days, 3 Weeks, 3 Months – Day 22

Tonight is much better than last night, but that isn’t saying much. I didn’t mention that last night I was flirting with a guy online. He’s in a semi-open long distance relationship. Basically as long as there isn’t any actual physical contact it’s cool lol. That is sort of a catch 22. On one hand it’s a great ego boost for me, on the other, it makes me miss J and wish he’d be like that with me. It really perplexes me because they have the same birthdate, but a yr apart.

honestly that doesn’t mean a whole lot in astrology. The chart of someone born a month or two away from him is probably closer than same day different yr. but that’s a whole different story.

So anyway today. I think I was dreaming about him last night, but I don’t really remember. And it’s not like him being the first thing on my mind is a strange thing. I was thinking how I miss the way I used to wake up to a message from him. After a few months of that it took, god probably 4 or 5 months to stop looking for a message when I first woke up. To stop hoping. It brings tears to my eyes jst thinking about it. I’m not a morning person, but waking up to his words could have made me one.

I wanted to have a good morning, I didn’t want to miss him, but I did. I became semi obsessed with the idea of calling him. I want to talk to him about the conversation with my ex. I want to tell him we need to get over whatever is going on so we can act normal, around each other, around Asshole, if god forbid, we all end up at the same place at the same time. I wanted to ask him to pray for me, because my mom was having a bad day with her health. It’s like she’s already gone, but her body is still here.

I wanted to tell him that I wanted to talk to him about how to get numbers because I suck at it & he’s always adding new girls to his facebook. I want to talk to him about what it’s like to be afraid you’ll never find someone because you’ve been single so long, how when you think you might have found someone you get terrified because it’s been so long. I wanted to talk to him about being uncomfortable around “married” people of the opposite sex. Even when they are your friends.

I wanted to get his take on having his younger sister pregnant knowing he wasn’t going to have any kids, what it’s like to be surrounded by couples. If he’d had to deal with his dad’s health, especially mental health going down hill yet.

Yeah, all of that is stuff we have in common. Well except I have a kid and he doesn’t. But I didn’t call. I didn’t txt. I tried to remind myself that he doesn’t want to talk to me. That even though he acts like he likes me, looks at me like he likes me, talks to me like he cares (when he is talking to me), he doesn’t want to speak to me, wave at me or have anything to do with me. For whatever reason.

I took a shower and sobbed. It didn’t help that I watched a Vampire Diaries marathon last night of the last 4 or 5 episodes. So many people died, and Caroline dealing with what was going on with her mom was really heartbreaking because in a lot of ways I could relate. Delana getting together again because life’s too short. ( I love them together, don’t hate) I’ve thought that so many times.

So I had a kids birthday part to go to with for one of my besties kids. That actually sucked WAY more than I thought it was going to. Somehow my son was the one getting caught being a jerk. He was reacting to what other kids were doing, but the fluffy bunny granola crunchers, didn’t want to hear that.

I was also feeling really awkward because I wasn’t expecting so many people there. She has so much family. I felt out of place, even before Sonny started acting up. And of course the only single guy there was barely legal and 15 yrs younger than me. The besties got there eventually, but I was sorta a wreck by then.

I suppose everything else going on and the fact I’d been crying for at least an hour this morning wasn’t helping anything. Once we got home, which was late, but still earlier than the rest of the besties, we just vegged out. I think we both needed it.

I put him to bed and now I’m listening to Pandora, wishing it could tell me what to do. what he is thinking, how he feels. Tell me what to do.

That one is always so simple to everyone else. Just forget him. Move on, pick someone else. There are better looking, more compatible, nicer,  bla, bla. And that would be a lot easier if he didn’t look at me the way he does. If he didn’t smile at me the way he smiles. All of course when he’s not being careful, when the mask drops.

I mean wouldn’t you agree that it’s easier to fake a frown or ignore someone, than it is to fake happiness to see someone & a genuine smile? joy at seeing someone. …

And each time I start to move on there is one of those moment. Or my ex brings him up. Either directly in the present, or says come “oh you two are compatible” comment, or starts telling some story about him from the past.

As hard as I try it brings me back to this point, every time.

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