I’m slightly irritated because of someone’s comment on a facebook post, so if the first part of this comes off as a little pissed off that is why.
Today has been different than any in the last… week? Today I’ve felt really sick. Head cold with a fever, pretty bad cough. Basically all I want to do is go to sleep, or at least lay down, which of course means that today is the day I have to go through boxes at Asshole’s house with his gf and run a few other errands.
I knew this fact, but after dropping Sonny off at school (yeah he finally went back,) I headed towards my house. I haven’t seen J much the last few days/week because I haven’t been out much because we’ve been sick. I thought I’d check and see if maybe he was sitting in the spot he was at one day a while back. No such luck. 😦
I circled around and headed back to his house. He wasn’t home, but she was. We had a cup of coffee and chatted. Yeah I’m friends with his gf, that is how over him I truly am. That went well, although all the dust was messing with my breathing. Towards the end I bit the bullet and asked her if J & my Ex had seen each other. She said yeah about a week and a half ago, and she explained the little she knew about the encounter. He went to hang out while Asshole worked on something. There is one thing about that part that bothers me, but I’ll get into my insecurities about the current situation after you hear about everything else.
I did a brief explanations of when I cried in front of Ex, the time when him & J ran into each other when Ex was on his way to my house the day after V-day. Saying that Ex had put the idea into my head, then seemed kinda like what’s going on when J started acting weird that day and I started acting weird. I explained that it was flattering that Ex thought maybe J liked me (even thought I said at least twice that I didn’t think he did), especially the day after having to spend V-day alone and crying 4 days earlier.
On one hand I was relieved, J & Asshole were good. And that was why I told her I asked, to make sure they were ok because I didn’t want to come between them on accident. On the other hand I was a little upset. When he was over there she answered the door, he knows they are back together. He’s known for over a week, but he won’t talk to me. now I”m a little confused, although I don’t really know why. Just another disappointment I guess.
I do believe I saw J after leaving their house this morning. I was in a parking lot of a store, parked near the street, a little up from the corner. He came down the main street where I was parked and then turned down the street on the corner. So I basically got to watch him come, go around the corner and a ways down that street. I’m not sure if he actually looked at me. There was a bad glare on the windshield, once he was around the corner and the glare was gone I sorta though he did a sideways glance. I couldn’t read t though, not really.
At the time I thought is was sneaking a sly sideways glance. Personally I was smirking. But it might have been more of a damn this bitch is crazy, stare. My insecurities are coming out.
This directly reflects the information I got from her earlier. Not only does he know they are back together and he’s still not talking to me, he greeted her in a strange way. This isn’t about me being jealous of her, or of him going over there. Asshole told me he doesn’t like her. That he thinks she’s weird, that he didn’t like her because she used to get all of them, especially her brother, in trouble when they were all teenagers.
She said when she opened the door he got a big smile, opened the door and said Sis. So who is lying? Is it J? Is he being all nice to her face and talking shit to Ex about her? ( Was he being supportive when they were fighting? ) This would explain some of his actions towards me. Seeing me and acting all nice, but being an ass when I’m not in front of him. Of course I’ve been known to do the same thing….
Is my ex lying? He lies all the time. For no real reason. It wouldn’t be a stretch for him to say J didn’t like her, even though he never acted that way. Maybe to try and get me not to like her by saying someone who he knows I “respect” didn’t like her. He is not above that sort of manipulation. Hell, he wallows in that kind of manipulations.
Or maybe it was her. She said he looked all happy and made like huggy arms when he didn’t. I don’t know who or what to believe.
Once again these people are making me doubt myself. Doubt my ability to read people.
I keep going back and forth. I tell myself I could do better, or at least better for me. At the same time, I love him and want to try being with him. It doesn’t make since to me. not at all.