I am very sorry I haven’t updated for about a week. There has been a lot going on in my personal life. Some of it having to do with this series of posts, some to do with other issues totally unrelated and I was quite sick for a few days as well.
So enough of my excuses, on to the update.
I went through a range of emotions, basically I was cycling. No matter how long it takes eventually I do blow it via txt or email. On Friday I think that pretty much happened. I can’t remember exactly what happened Thursday, but I do remember that I was thinking I need to make it harder for me to txt him. The day after my last post I sent him a txt saying that if that was him I was sorry for staring at him. And that if it wasn’t him could he hook me up with the look-a-like hottie ;P
Yeah I actually sent that. He of course didn’t reply. I think I saw him around a couple more tmes that week and I really wanted to talk to him. I started getting urges to go by his house or call again. I didn’t do any of it, I do have some self control. It was a lot easier when I thought he hated me. He always does that, well he does this to me, then for some reason we talk and he says I don’t hate you.
Yeah I got that you don’t hate me, that’s no longer the question. The question is do you love me? It’s why do you obviously want to me my friend (at least) and then disappear? Grrrr. I mean seriously could you please get your shit together.
So anyway, back to the point or at least the timeline. Thursday I took his number out of my phone. I took screen shots of all our txt msgs, uploaded them to a private pic site and deleted everything off my phone. I thought maybe that would help. I think it set me off. I’m not exactly rebellious in an obvious way, but I do tend to rebel whenever there are limits set on myself. I do it regardless of who sets the restraints.
Thursday night I was praying, I pray a little differently than some, but I do pray and it’s to God. I was asking for peace, that the people I love & I are happy, safe and have the things we need in our lives. That my son does good in school, that I”m a good mother, that I get all the things done that I need to, that I don’t see J unless we can be together.
That last part is a notoriously dangerous request. Dangerous because I almost always see him after that paryer is said. I always forget that part though. Since I was still sick, I was emotional and feeling overwhelmed Friday morning on the way to taking my son to school I said the prayer again. With slight variations.
Drop off happened without a hitch, My ex needed me to take his current girlfriend to the ER. She fell and broke her ankle and she needed to see exactly what was up with it. That was easy & on my way home. Also on my way home is part of J’s work. He works from a few different offices and also goes out into the field to check up on people & projects.
When I was about a block away from his work one of the work vehicles like his crossed my path. Unfortunatly, I didn’t get a good look to make sure it was him, but to be honest, there are only about 5 trucks like his. And there aren’t that many that go to that office and park the way he does. It was also a little earlier than he normally goes there, but I have seen him there that early before.
To explain why I know this information, there aren’t that many ways to get from the school to our house. The fastest goes by one of his offices. I can avoid it, but then I have to purposely go out of my way. Which makes me think of him, and why I’m avoiding, and it’s fucking depressing. So I don’t avoid it. I also used to walk home once in a while when I didn’t have a car. I used to see him there once in a while.
I broke. I freaked out. I got pissed. I started yelling at God, telling him off. How could he do this to me. I ask for his help, I ask him to keep me from seeing him if I can’t have him. And there he most likely is crossing right in front of me. So I got home and txt him.
I said this sounds like a stupid question, but was that you? He didn’t reply right back and I waited maybe 5 mins. before sending another one. This one said, actually you don’t have to reply, but it that was you have a talk with God because he’s pissing me off.
I later decided that I needed to explain. So I did, with my tail between my legs.
I said that I was probably making things worse, I’m sorry. I prayed for help, help to get over him, giving my son a good life, to not see him because it made me go stupid half the time, and to just be happy. Then 30 mins later him or a twin literally crossed my path. And that I was like WTF G? I was sorry I had been bugging him and that I’d try to be better about it.
I haven’t heard anything. Ironically I do think I ran into him again on another road though. I had to run an errand for my mom and I didn’t feel like using any of the main streets, so I used that one. I believe it was him coming down as I was going up. I had my glasses on and more or less had blinders on. I barely noticed the car out of the corner of my eye. When I got to my destination I checked the time. I did see him on that road one other time, at about that same time, when I was doing something for my ex.
Believe me after making such a huge fool of myself the last thing I’d wanted was to see him. And ironically, just like every time I truly don’t want to see him, I do. Or probably do. The damn glare on the windows blocks my view. So I’m either staring like an idiot or I pretend it’s not him. Sometimes I feel crazy. like it can’t always be him, but it is enough that it makes me question it. Drive me insane.
Sat & Sun were a lot of cleaning around the house. Trying to clean out old energy, old items, trying to make room for new stuff to flow into my life. I also had a kids b-day party on Sat. It was with the secondary besties. which I sometimes like more than my real besties lol No chances of any hook-ups there though. None of my friends have any single guy friends. They are all paired off & married. SUCKS!
I’ve been trying to stay occupied, but he still slips in once & a while. I’ve released the damn though so to speak, and at least I won’t be wanting to contact him any time soon. Since my ex basically knows I like him, he probably won’t be mentioning him either. 59 more days and maybe I can get on with my life…