Today was a special kind of hell. I saw J twice on the way home from taking my son to school, once while he was driving home for lunch & I was going to my mom’s & another time after picking him up from school.
I drove past my ex’s because he wanted me to look & see if a package was delivered. It was, so I had to stop & put it inside. As I was leaving & waiting to cross the street J drove by. He put his hand up like hi. I did the what up hommie head nod.
I was so edged out I almost walked into on coming cars, but stopped before I even got close. I turned my back to him & pulled out my phone to distract myself or something. Then put it away as I actually safely crossed the street. He was still in view as I did. I liked at his car a couple times since it was now a safe distance away.
I cried on the way home. I got home took a shower & sobbed. Then I went numb. Thankfully, gratefully numb. I’d already prayed twice today, prayed for help, for happiness, for him to either be all in or all out because I couldn’t take anymore. I’d been crying & praying on the way to get my son. Talking in the car how I couldn’t stand J being dangled like a carrot in front of me. I begged for mercy. That I could either have him or stop seeing him all over. That I needed to be happy for my son. I begged, not for myself but for him. Then J waved at me.
What kind of fucking shit is this? But at least I went numb so I could function, although all I wanted to do was curl up in a ball & sleep. Which is what I’m going to do now. Pray for me, because I’m afraid to do it myself