I don’t know what to say about today. I can say I’m beginning to have hope again, and that scares the hell out of me. After picking up Sonny from school we grabbed a quick snack and headed back home via a side road I use occasionally. I saw J again. I was about to take a bite then I saw his car. I stared, he stared back. He gave me a head nod this time, I returned it.
He had glasses on so I couldn’t see his eyes. But I want to say he was half smiling, so was I . But my eyes were smiling.
I’d like to think I’m getting chased, but it may just be that he’s decided to take pity on me and be nice. See this is what I do, I take a wave, a head nod and turn it into him having a crush on me. Thinking he’s chasing me. Just because I’ve seen him every time I turn around.
I have decided I will only respond. I’ll do everything I can to not go on the offensive.
The thing I’m wondering about is why now? After that last txt. Is it really pity? Is it because I prayed? Because I said I liked him still & seeing him still makes me stupid? Normally that’s the kind of thing that would send him running. I’m so confused, but I think the best thing is to simply let him take the lead while I wait and respond.
This is going to set me so far back. but how do I stop? How do I not hope? Getting over him without us being together is something I don’t know how to do. I’ve fumbled with it for so long. To be with him though. To find out and let things run their natural course the way they should. That would be so much better.