Well today has been, for lack of another word at the moment, annoying.
I had to deal with my mom, who has once again lost her credit card. I just can’t deal with it. This in turn stresses me out and makes me think of J.
I haven’t been jumping up to look and see if he’s driven by, but I have thought about it.
I also didn’t see him while I was out, which was disappointing. Right now I’m kinda in a catch 22. I’m afraid to get my hopes up again. I’m afraid of feeling that pain again. So as happy as it makes me to think, to dare, to hope, that he likes me I fear it. To avoid that I make myself think he’s only doing this now because he feels sorry for me. Not because he has any romantic intention.
This, of course, is making me feel insecure. Making me want to see him more than normal to reinforce things one way or another. But then I don’t see him, add to that my mom stressing me out and bam, downward depression spiral.
Ok it’s not that bad yet, but I feel that panic, that need. And then I look at his facebook page. Probably a bad idea. Although it was a little lighter than usual. And he’d posted something about girls starting to to think pulling a chair out for them is sexist. I hadn’t heard of that, myself.
I guess he’s been thinking about dating. Then again, even if he hasn’t really dated, he is a guy and I’m sure he’d like to get laid again before he dies. I’m just hoping he wants that to be with me. lol
Jesus I need a life. I need to be around people I actually like. Ok I gotta pick the ex up from work later so I”m sure I’ll check back in. I mean it is only the afternoon…
I promised another update and here it is. I copied most of this from a message I sent to a friend earlier, somethings are edited a bit, so if the tone is a little different than normal that would be why. It was kinda long to totally rewrite when I had a perfectly good copy
good lord, I have made a fool of myself yet again. ok so I’ve been in the mood I was in earlier. Then had issues with my mom. I was sorta getting over that when I had to go pick up Asshole from work in so he could get dog food.
We basically argued the whole time. A mutual friends girlfriend was upset because he made a purchase that was worth a couple thousand dollars and they have a baby coming in a few months. I took her side, he spent half the time trying to convince me he was right. I just kept saying that’s my opinion, but thankfully I’m not having anymore kids so I won’t have to have this conversation. Then he’d bring it back up. I finally said, not my life, not my issues, not my monkeys not my problems.
He more or less wouldn’t shut up about it. But he finally went into the store.
Anyway that kinda changed the subject. I think. All I know is we started talking about jobs or money & me finding a job. He said something about finding a boyfriend to help out & raised his hand. I tried not to look annoyed and said that usually doesn’t help things much. He said he’d help out bla whatever. So I had that annoyance going on as well.
While parked in front of his house waiting for him I thought I might have seen J driving by. I made a point of going down his cross street on my way home. and then I was going to go down his street but from from that one, which is a few blocks down from his house. But he was outside in his front yard, so I chickened out. Then I went onto the main street that goes to my house and said you know what, he doesn’t own the street, I can drive down it. Besides he hasn’t seen me yet.
I go down another block or two and then turn back onto his street.
I’m so freaked out by the time I get home that I forget I have to take a movie back to red box. so I go 2 miles back down that street then back again to my house, taking a quick detour to get alcohol.
Once home I’m still so freaked out about it that I txt him, that I feel really stupid for txting him, & I really want to just call. then I mention a voice msg.
I proceed to record a 4 min msg going over what I did, a total bull shit reason I did it. that obviously I had a thing for him, but that it wasn’t the reason I was going down the street. and that I was totally irritated at Asshole because I had to take him to get dog food & we argued the whole time. Then that I was just really stressed about the whole thing because sometimes he’s cool then he stops talking to me for a month and I have no idea why most of the time. so I never know what the reason is why he’s not talking to me. so I’m always afraid that he will get upset by something because I don’t’ know what it is that I do that makes him upset.
and then I said ok I’m stupid have a great weekend. then I tried to send it before I could change my mind.
But because I have him in my private box & I have to put in a code before anything will send, that it didn’t send. So then I was like well I can’t just leave that hanging there.
and I txt’d him with idk if that sent, which is probably a good thing and that I went down your street earlier because sometimes I like a change of scenery (true) & because Asshole’s daughter was in town and I wanted to see if she was around. (also true, but she was going to Ex’s tonight to hang out)
and I sent that. and I”m stupid lol
He’s didn’t txt me back, Sonny had my phone for the night so I couldn’t do any further damage. To be honest I really wish the voice recording went through because I’d really like to say all that to him.
I feel sad again. I want to know why he doesn’t tell me to stop. I want to say I feel empty, but I don’t feel empty. I feel drained and disappointed. I want things to be better so bad, then I go and do some stupid shit like this. Now I don’t know what’s going to happen. I don’t know if I”ve screwed up the whole he’s acknowledging me thing. I just realized how pathetic that sentence is.
I feel so alone. I haven’t had a boyfriend in 2 yrs. He hasn’t had a girlfriend in 6. It’s been almost 2 yrs exactly that this all started. But to be honest, I feel like I’ve been alone for longer than that. 5 yrs of abuse in one form or another. It takes it’s toll.
I’m tired of being alone. I’m really tired of wanting him. I want something new. I want to be with him or I want it over. I’m tired of these games of maybe he does maybe he doesn’t. I’m tired of guessing and filling in blanks. I want to move on, but when he smiles at me, oh god, I didn’t think I could still feel that way about anyone again. I lose it. I have no self control.
I saw a post somewhere and I can’t find it right now, but is said something like the truer the love the more chaotic it is, you lose the ability to protect yourself….. there is more but I forgot for now. That’s how this makes me feel. I can’t put up walls with him, I can’t shut him out. It feels like he has a direct line to my soul. I’m pretty sure not even my first love had it like that. I don’t even think I could lie to him, and I can lie to anyone. sometimes I can put up a door, but I don’t even think the door has a lock.
One of the worst parts is that I don’t honestly know if its about him, or if it’s what I’ve become because of Asshole. This is my first big thing since him. There was an ex I talked to for a min and hung out with once, but it wasn’t anywhere near what this is. There have been a couple other guys I’ve talked to, but they were nothing.
I feel like I have no control, like I’m spinning and spinning and can’t stop.
Here is the quote, I went and found it and, it’s pretty perfect.
“Real love is always chaotic. You lose control; you lose perspective. You lose the ability to protect yourself. The greater the love, the greater the chaos. It’s a given and that’s the secret.”
― Jonathan Carroll, White Apples
I’d say I’m completely out of control