Lets just say that yesterday was kinda a nightmare on most levels and leave it at that for now. I didn’t actually have any contact of any kind with J. Which was both ok and hard for me.
As for today, it’s been off and on. I keep wanting to write him.
I was wondering is we could have a back & forth conversation? this sucks, I’ve been sitting here for 15 mins trying to figure out how to word this because I am terrified that I’m going to accidentally say or do something that is going to set you off. Which is basically what I want to talk to you about. I don’t want to do or say anything that is going to make you bolt.
I have a 3 fold problem when it comes to you.
Problem 1 is that I thought of you as a really good friend. A close friend, a person I could talk to about almost anything. I don’t open up to people the way I did with you. Only my besties. I dont’ know what the begining of our friendship was to you, but that’s what it was to me, it was special.
What that means is that I automatically go to that lvl of closeness with you, that is my default, that is where I want to be.
Problem 2 is that besides being close, I think you’re great. I like the way your mind works (at least what I saw of it) I like the contradictory parts of your personality, I get that because I’m sorta the same way. I even like the way we disagree, I’d rather not, but it’s not bad. So basically I’m saying I like you and would love to be your friend.
Problem 3 of course is what gets in the way of it all, that I’m very attracted to you physically.
Where this all becomes a problem is that I don’t always know from what area I’m motivated when I want to talk to you or see you. And of course they overlap, one second I’ll be all platonic, my big brain shuts down, and some crazy over the top flirtation comes out of my mouth.
I’d like to think that on some level you’d like me as an acquaintance, a friend or something else. Don’t panic, I’m not saying you like me with that “something else”. I’m saying that once in a rare while you see me, don’t know it’s me and think ya I’d do her. Then you realize it’s me and freak out.
I’d like to ask some questions about what is allowed between us. Can I drive down your street as long as it’s not by your house without feeling guilty? Can I txt you with info Ex says that I think might be of interest to you? Can we just plain chat sometimes? You know, can we be “online” friend? real life friend? acquaintances? something else?
I’d like to know where I stand with you, and if you can at least make an effort to stay there. When everything seems to be going ok, and I’m on my best behaviour and you disappear it hurts really bad. You are probably wondering why I’m bringing this up. Good question and I’ll tell you. It’s because I’m scared. I’m scared that I’m going to do nothing and one day I’m going to wave at you and you’re going to ignore me. I’m afraid I’ll do something, like this right here, and that you are going to freak out and tell me to go screw myself, or almost worse, just say nothing and stop waving again.
I’m afraid I’m going to read to much into you waving at me because of problem 1 above and make a mess of things like I always do. The fact that I’m even writing this probably means that I should delete all of this and just totally leave you alone. The fact that I am trying to work out with you, and figure out what you want from me, in whatever form that takes, shows how much your presence in my life actually means to me.
I know this is stupid, and you’re probably sitting there going why can’t she just leave it alone and just go with it? Well because I’ve tried to do that in the past and it usually blows up in my face. When I want something I go after it. That doesn’t seem to work with you so I’m trying to figure out where to draw the line. We both know I’ll occasionally slip over the line, but if I know where it is, at least I know where I’m supposed to stop.
This again is an issue partially because of the three above stated problems, especially 1 & 3.
Yeah as much as I want to, I really don’t know if that is going to get sent. I see a line and fly over that sucker like it’s a crack in the sidewalk.
Tonight was pleasant. I didn’t get myself in trouble. Just got to hang out with the family for a while. I guess we’ll see how long I can hold out and we’ll see what happens next.