I have to say I feel quite guilty about not writing for so long. Both because I’ve lost time frame and because if anyone actually is following this to any degree I haven’t been giving you any info.
It has been an intense couple of weeks. I’m sure there will be a day when I want to go into detail, but that’s not going to be today. The overview is this my ex has gone from leaving me alone, to jocking me to having me bring is now girlfriend again over to his house after he asked me to go out to dinner with him (when I said no, that’s when she suddenly needed a ride over.)
As for my dear J, well he’s having a mid life crisis. Or maybe he just found someone who is easier to be with than me and who makes him happy. I found out a week and a couple days ago that he is pretty much dating that old hag he’s been taking the selfies with the last few months. But the bad part is that he wrecked his car, showing off, for her. Fucking gag. the lady is like 50, and he’s 40. Who, at that age, goes on a back road, shows off, loses control and fucks up a car that they put nearly 30 grand into? SMH stupid mother fucker
Anyway. I’ve been dealing with these realities plus a few others that aren’t going on this blog. I’ve been looking to the past to try and get some answers about what is going on now. In doing so I hope I have strengthened some bonds, built some bridges and eased a few peoples minds. I do have a fear that in one case I may have made things a little worse between myself and someone else. but that has been kinda sketchy anyway.
Today though I reconnected with an old friend. An ex that I’ve hardly seen in the last 10 or so yrs. maybe a little more. Seeing him today was amazing. For some it would make them want “their own relationship” more, reminding them of what they are missing. For me it reminded me of what I have. Who I am. Knowing that love is still there. We were together for quite a while between 4 and 5 yrs depending on what you count.
He reminded me of the good parts of relationships. The parts without all the pain & hiding & pushing away. Just love, no issues or hang ups, no abuse, just love. Thinking back, he is probably the healthiest relationship I’ve ever had. He is like a big protective teddy bear that you can & want to have sex with. And omg, he has the sexiest fucking voice. Dude wow. like wow
The way I felt also gave me a little insight as to what might be happening with J. It is nice to have that. To be with someone who makes you happy and you want to share that happiness with those you care about. And maybe that is all I was seeing in him recently. A happiness bubbling over, not because of me, but because he was just happy. I smiled because he did and maybe he smiled a little more because of me, but not only because of me.
It eases some of the pain and anger I’ve felt because of him. Don’t doubt that I’ve been in immense pain. In agony. The wrong car, or song, or person or thought would reduce me to tears. Regardless of where I was or who I was with. Thankfully I don’t think I broke down while with asshole. I might have once. I blamed stress & my mom.
I was seeing J around a lot, but I don’t think I’ve seen him in a week. I made a bit of a fool of myself when I found out about the car. It was Thursday of last week. I called him. He didn’t pick up, but I left a rambling message, at one point I accused him of having a nervious breakdown. That was also the day Asshole pretty much confirmed they were seeing each other. I more or less lost it for about a week.
They hung out the next day. I was scared J would say something, but he didn’t. At least he’d kept that promise. earlier that day I’d sent a txt saying I was sorry, that I’d been concerned and to please not be mad. The last time I think I saw him was that afternoon. I was picking up my son and doing something outside the car, standing behind it in the spot where I see him turning sometimes. I looked up at the truck. I’m not sure what the look on my face was, surprise, amazment, disbelief that he was actually (maybe) there, and then I remembered. I’d made a promise that if he didn’t reply to me I’d leave him alone, that I’d leave all of it alone, he didn’t reply. My face probably fell and I looked down. The desire to look at him was so intense I had to look away from him in the opposite direction. It was the only way I wouldn’t look at him.
I wanted to look at him so bad. I wanted to see his face, look into his eyes. See what was there, receive the message he was sending. I wanted everything to be ok and it all could be with one look, so I looked away. In part because I promised, in part because I can’t do that to myself again. I don’t know for sure what it is he means to send or what he’s thinking when he looks at me, but I know what I see. I see desire and caring and wanting to be with me. Is it my imagination or is it what I really see? I may never know, but what I do know is that I can’t go down that road again. Not without any confirmation of how he feels, not without knowing the truth. So I look away. And even if there comes a time when I decide it’s time to make peace, if I’m a smart girl I will continue to look away.
He’s my pied piper, my pan, my saytor. His eyes my music. I’m helpless under his gaze.