Today I’m going to get into some stuff that I don’t normally touch on. Honestly, I’m not sure if this post should even be considered part of the “Power of 3” series, but if will touch on some of those themes enough that I’m going to go with it.
I’m going to admit that I’m a very “spiritual” person, but not very religious. For this I’m going to say that I greatly believe in a higher power. I believe in some of the things that can’t be proved. Some version of God, ghosts, different planes of existence, the ability to manipulate energy, things like telepathy, even being able to view or know things seemingly impossible to know about the past, present or future, astrology…
I’ve seen some of these things with my own eyes. Here are two examples. One day I was sitting with my mom having some coffee, one min the coffee pot is sitting squarely on the coffee maker, the next we hear something be both look at the coffee maker and the pot has quite literally jumped off the maker onto the counter next to it. It was as if someone had yanked on the handle enough to displace it and make it slide off.
There was no one else in the room with us, no practical explanation. The coffee maker didn’t malfunction, there wasn’t an earthquake or a gust of wind. It never happened before that day and it didn’t happen again.
Something else happened quite recently. I was out with Sonny one afternoon, I can’t remember what we were doing, just getting done running an errand or perhaps just going for a little cruze to get out of the house. For some reason I had an urge to go down a road I haven’t been down in over a year, maybe almost 2 yrs.
It was a road I used to use to go to work, there isn’t much on it, it’s marshy on both sides. During the season duck hunting is allowed off parts of it. So anyway I drove down this road, showed him the sights, checked to see if the little nature area was open. Since the road doesn’t go through anymore I picked a wide spot a little ways up from the closed nature area and turned around. Then we went home.
The next day we went out with Asshole on one of the days when he was actually being very nice. He took us to dinner, then we were driving around a little. First he took me to go see J’s wrecked car ( totally his idea), then he gave me some other directions to go see where it happened. We ended up on the same road, the wreck had happened about 50 – 100 yards from where I turned around the previous day.
One of the strangest parts of this is that I had no idea that the wreck happened there. I thought it happened in a totally different location. You can call this a total coincidence, but stuff like that happens all the time with him and I. Ending up at the same places at the same times. Taking a new road somewhere that ends up being the same new road he is taking. It seems like more than coincidence to me. But then again maybe I’m crazy. lol
The other reason I wanted to write this is because one of the sites I follow said it would be a good exercise, the recent eclipses have opened up doors, allowing for both clearing out, new clarity on issues and resolution of things that are happening now and in the past.
Admittedly some of these things wouldn’t have happened if I hadn’t been prompted to look into my past, but I think, for the most part, these are all things that are beneficial to both myself and the others I encountered.
So lets see first the details, I went on a mission to try and figure out what was going on in my life back at the time of the last set of eclipses, 1997. I had moved out of my 1st love’s house. I might have been living in another city, if so I was the roommate of my friends uncle, but I’m not sure because the records from that time are quite patchy.
Some people’s memories confirm these facts, some don’t. Regardless I think some important things came to light.
One might have been a small detail to me, but could have been a very big deal to him. I talked to one of my “ex’s” ( I use the term ex loosely. For me in encompases any relationship that I was committed to, lasted more that one night, and sex was involved. There may or may not have been an actual commitment or monogamy and half the time they weren’t actually my titled boyfriend.) This one started out as my boss, but we were attracted to each other from the first time we met. He fought the thing all the way, I didn’t, because when do I ever? Under the circumstances I understand it. He was my boss, and I think he’d gotten in trouble for fraternization in the past, although I don’t believe with a subordinate.
Eventually the department I worked for got dismantled and everyone but him got laid off. We were all good with it, he was the one that was devastated. On the up side, we started “dating.” (again lose term) I’m not sure what was going on with him at that time, but I do know that I was going through bad withdrawl from him. I was used to seeing him almost 7 or 8 hrs of a 9 hr day. Now I only saw him once or twice a week. Some of those were overnighters, but the days in between seeing him were torture on me.
At some point for some reason that I don’t’ remember, we broke up. It was about that time that my 1st loves mom died unexpectedly. She was like a second mom to me and I was still pretty close to the family. I was devastated. My ex/boss started to try and rekindle things at that point. I couldn’t do it. Then he moved a few hrs away and we never really had a chance to reconnect.
While trying to pin-point ’97 I contacted him to try and figure out when we worked together. If I had that info it would answer a lot of questions, because it was at that time that I broke up with my 1st love. He thought it was ’98 not ’97. But what did come out was that he felt ashamed of himself for the way he acted while we were together. I forgave him and told him it was ok. It was a weird situation. I’d forgiven him long ago. He was a great guy, but he was scared. Scared of the relationship, scared of the feelings, scared of my intensity. Nothing I haven’t heard before lol. He’s in a long-term thing now, but said he’d like to be friends. I agreed.
It wasn’t a conversation back & forth, but one message from one and a replying one from me. I haven’t heard back from him, but I hope that has given him some closure and some peace.
Another ex I talked to really helped me out with this J situation. He was always the biggest sweetie. I might have been his 1st real love to be honest, but I’m not totally sure. I hope for his part in our encounter he knows that I still love him to death. And maybe that even though we aren’t together I still care deeply about him.
Seeing him reminded me of the kind of love I’ve had in the past. Reminded me of what I should be looking for as far as the relationship aspects. He would never do anything to hurt me. Never pushed me away. God I think I was his first love. I don’t really know if you can love that way more than once. Completely fearlessly and with all your heart. Cuz once that 1st one is over, no matter how worth it, it was, you have a scar.
Anyway, just another revelation for me lol. It felt really good to see him, to remember what that was like. To not be afraid, to not be constantly pushed away. To simply be loved. I knew I could do him, and he knew he could do me. That between us, nothing had really changed. It wasn’t even a what I had moment, it was a what I HAVE moment. What I could inspire moment.
I felt happy & content for the first time in a long time.
Put all of this together, plus a few other things and you have some realizations. J is a child in a man’s body. He becomes the person he is with. Which means he has no self image of his own. How does that happen when you haven’t been in a serious relationship for 6 yrs? Oh yeah, he’s been trying to be jesus.
That hopefully this old hag he’s with now will teach him a few lesson’s on how to be a man. Because to be honest he’s nothing but a little boy. I think much like Asshole, his growth got stunted pretty badly when they both survived the crash and their friend died.
J really is so far below me on the relationship scale. He’d never be able to handle me. I also realize why I was so very dangerous to him. Not only am I an enigma that makes no since to him ( wait a really good, smart, nice, understanding, kind person, who isn’t a total bible thumper? how is this possible?), but him becoming me would be an changing his whole belief system. No one his head short circuits whenever he even thinks about his attraction towards me.
I also sent him an Easter picture. It was christian in nature, kinda perfect to be from me to him. He didn’t reply, didn’t send anything back, nothing. Fuck him.
It’s getting to a point with me that I am realizing that what I liked in him was what he was emulating about me. Obvious enough if I’d been away of his little problem, but since I wasn’t…. Basically I thought he was being himself, but much like the runaway bride, he doesn’t know who the fuck he is. There fore the person I thought I loved doesn’t really exist. Or maybe being with me made him closer to who he really is and that scared the hell out of him. Besides all the relationship stuff.
Regardless I realize I need a man, not a little boy. That isn’t him, not really, and not right now.
I don’t know what the future will bring, but I do know that I want to do everything I can to get myself and my son ready for it. That will take a lot of work. Because if I”m being honest, I’m in no way ready for a new relationship. An old revisiting, maybe. But not something totally new, with someone I don’t know.