Well back to the off and on writing.
What to say? It’s been a busy couple of days. I was doing ok to be honest. Of course, J was on my mind here and there, but I really was doing better. Although, now that I think about it a lot of that may have been because I saw a post that made me think maybe him and Hag had stopped hanging out.
I don’t think that is the story though. He seems more or less happy. If someone looked at my FB page they’d probably think I am too though. The only good thing is that he hasn’t posted any new pics of them together. I haven’t seen him or talked to him in a while. I miss it.
I’ve been running into a lot of old guy friends. Friended by some people I haven’t heard from in a while. I’ve even had some little flirty moments with guys I don’t know while at the park. While the attention is nice, I still think about him a little.
What really set me off today was a dream I had last night. I don’t want to write about it at the moment. When I dream about him I go a little … whacked?
It’s a can’t win situation for me.When I think about him all the time I don’t dream about him, but I’m thinking about him and it gets in the way of my life, of my self-esteem, and I feel like occasionally of my sanity. I don’t think about him or at least not much, and I end up dreaming about him. When I dream about him it really fucks with me. I want to see him, message him, drive by his house.
I tell myself he doesn’t want anything to do with me, not as a friend, not as a lover, he just wants me to leave him alone. And now I’m here. Wondering when I’ll eventually see him. What his reaction will be, what mine will be.