I feel a little sad knowing that I’m writing this series officially for the last time. It has been a roller coaster of emotional highs and lows, and while I wish I could say that things have been brought satisfactorily to an end, I know if I did I’d be lying.
What I do know is this, I am in a much better place now than when I started this series. I’ve gained back some of the confidence that I’d lost. I’ve been reminded of what I mean to some people and the effect I have on some others. I’m regaining my personal power, and while I have a long journey ahead to get to where I need to be, I know I can get there.
As for my feelings and relationship with J, I’m not sure where things go from here. Recent events have made me acknowledge that on some levels he will probably always have this effect on me. And he may always, regardless of whether or not we ever have a relationship.
This adventure has also shown me that it’s up to me to move on. I must fully learn and accept the fact that he’s always going to make me weak in the knees, but most likely things will never change between us. I have to learn to live with that, and to open my heart to finding someone who could be an even better match.
Moving on from this is like moving on from your fist love. You might not find something the same, but you will find something just as good, if not better if you don’t give up and have faith.
All the happy smoke being blown up your ass aside, I know what the reality is. And I think knowing that and learning to deal with it, is what’s most import. The reality is that I will eventually run into him. Maybe we will smile and wave or say hello, maybe we will ignore each other. Either way it will probably knock me on my ass.
What I’m hoping is that when I fully realize, acknowledge, and accept that, that when it happens it will be a little easier. Maybe one day in the not too distant future I’ll be able to deal with him without it being either the top of the mountain, or depts of the sea.