Continuation from yesterday

I’m having a lot of trouble figuring things out. Who I want more than anyone is J. I feel like I’m getting some huge signs, the problem is that I don’t know how to read them because I can’t see past wanting him.

Last night I was feeling lonely because I’d pushed 2 people away the day before. ( the 10th) I’d pushed the one I talked about yesterday away, Bob. I also pushed my ex who’s married away. You know because sleeping with married guys is generally a bad thing.

I told my best friend about these things. She hardly talked to me that night or yesterday. I don’t exactly blame her. She is going through her own stuff. Well she is getting herself into some crazy shit. Just self destructive as fuck and she won’t listen to anyone. I guess she is learning the lesson’s she should have learned when she was in her 20’s. I just wish she wouldn’t drag me into her pointless disturbing dramas.

But, back to the point, what she thinks she wants is a great guy. Or she wants a fuck buddy or at the very least someone who wants her so bad they can’t wait to have her again. and I’ve got one guy straight up saying I was great and he’s ready to have an affair in part because the sex was so amazing. yeah, that’s gotta be tough. The other one can’t leave me alone and has been waiting for a chance to get me back for 9 yrs.

Then there is the ex “Angel” ( I gotta get some consistent code names damn) who keeps coming back even though I thoroughly kick him to the curb. This is the one who I was writing about in a “how to lose a guy in 10 days” sort of way. Yeah he’s back, and part of what is inspiring me to tell them all I’m not ready for this. not for any of it.

He basically said I have a month before he leaves and I should go out with him. We’ve chatted a little since then, but not much.

So yes back to 24 hrs ago. I was lonely and drinking a beer. This particular beer always reminds me of the guy I was with the first time I drank it. So I told him that. Two simple sentences… it started something that blew my mind. Like What the fuck was that? Blew my fucking mind.

He started out with I think of you too, went right into would you have sex with me and went into I’m sorry, I’m an idiot, I should have treated you better, I”ve been thinking about you all the time for the last 15 yrs, I should have married you, marry me. He asked me three times. I couldn’t quite handle it. I knew it was more or less drunk talk, but I also knew he meant it in a way.

That was of course the cliff notes version. Even for me it was hard to describe. The emotion that came across the page, the emotions I felt. I told him that I was a mess, than I couldn’t handle a relationship right now.

I think he passed out and woke up  3 hrs later because when I checked my messages in the morning He was like holyshit! I’m sorry idk why I said all that, and can me more or less forget it ever happened. I tried to gracefully say it was all ok, that we’d chalk it up to drunk txt and leave it at that. then I thanked him.

I was so close to txt’n J last night. I just kept thinking if all these other guys are saying this stuff what about him? What if now is the time? And what if it’s not? What if it just annoys him? He’s one of the rare cases when saying something might actually be worse than saying nothing.

I had to talk to my friend about it. But I didn’t want to tell her the real story. Especially after I found out they guy she’s trying to do the fuck buddy thing with brought another girl around to hang out with her little “group” by where she lives.

I told her one of my other friends got a long lost love heart to heart msg. instead. I said that if I heard about one more heart to heart I’d send the txt to J. Bob msg’d me again. He did his best to deny everything I told him. That there was no one better, he didn’t overestimate me bla bla. I couldn’t deal and don’t want to.

The married guy also wrote to me. Nothing important, just saying that his weekend wasn’t as fun as it was when we used to do his weekend outing together. At least that is what he hinted at, if not outright said it.

I didn’t text J. I’m too scared. All day I’ve been asking for signs. If I see him or think I do I should send it. If I see the show that has his name in the title I can send it. Begging for a sign that I should.

I asked my dice, they said yes one time and no another. I did think I saw his truck, there was a passenger who was staring at the apartments, but not at mine. I couldn’t remember if that was before or after I can up with that idea though. I did see the show was on. I was too scared, I never sent it. Nothing was firm enough to convince me it was ok, that it was a good idea.

I think about all these guys and I try to figure out what I’m supposed to be seeing. Am I supposed to be seeing things from their perspective? Are these guys saying these things to me so I know how J feels when I do it to him? The hurt, the confusion, the just not being able to give them what they want but caring about them still? Even the ones who annoy the hell out of me?

Am I supposed to feel what they are feeling? To know their pain and feelings of rejection? To know I”m hurting them by not giving them what they want? By not loving them the way they love me? To know exactly the pain they are going through because it’s the same pain I feel because J is doing to me what I’m doing that to them.

I feel all of it. It’s overwhelming and I don’t know what I’m supposed to do. I don’t know which way to go. I don’t even know what to feel anymore. Asshole even jumped into the act. He asked if I could do him a favor, I said well I was playing on a day trip to Paris, but I guess I can put it of. It was the first city overseas that came to mind. He said well you can’t go to the city of love so help me. I said why? because i have no heart? He said no, because I’ll give the best 3 mins of your life.

Fuck man really? Like I need another one.

In the last week I’ve had 4 straight up offers of sex, have been basically asked on 3 formal dates and 1 casual one ( or maybe 2 and 2, not sure if you should figure out a way to hang out before I leave is formal or not… smh) in various combinations by 5 different guys.

And the one who haunts me is no where to be found. I’m not sure what breaks my heart more.

It goes through my head if these guys can fall this in love with me, want me this bad how could J not want me? Why doesn’t he want me? What did I do that was so bad? Everyone loves me, why doesn’t he love me? No one gets that close to me and doesn’t fall head over heals….

And under other circumstances I would sound understandably conceded. But I’ve had 3 guys in 2 days tell me they can’t stop thinking about me and can’t get over me and that they’ve been holding on anywhere from 9 to 15 yrs. And I could easily throw Asshole on that pile as well.

That is where other confusion comes in. My brain will start to think is J holding it in too? Pretending that he doesn’t care?

I read two articles today. One was on delusions, the other on repression. One made me feel like it was all in my head when it comes to J. The other made me think it was him. That he was just repressing his feelings for me because he can’t handle them. It sounds stupid, but knowing him, knowing the details of the article. I mean if it says anything J hasn’t has sex in 6 yrs. And he’s a really good looking guy. everyone things he’s at least cute. and I know there have been girls he could be with, but hasn’t. Nice girls, cute girls. Good girls and bad ones.

He’s got major commitment issues & religious hang ups. god only knows why I still want him.

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