Today’s entry is going to start bright and early in the morning. I don’t know if you know this, actually I know that you don’t because no one actually reads this because who would want to read this dribble about my insanity over some guy. Although I’d like to think that showing our various behaviours has shown that I’m not entirely insane. Here is what I want to say to him right now: Do you want to be in my life or not? If you do stop your bullshit and be in it, if you don’t, then stop your bullshit. When you disappear and ignore me & stop talking to me it kills me. I could go into gory detail, but I won’t. I want to try and get over you, but I can’t while I have any hope. I don’t want you to blindly push me away. I actually want to know what it is that you like about me and what it is you don’t. I don’t want to know because I want to try and change into what you want, I want to know so I can make since of this. Because I need to understand it. I need to know why sometimes you smile and talk to me like I’m your bff and other times you run & hide. I know that you like me as a person. And if I’m being honest I think you are attracted to me as well, at least before you realize it’s me. Once you do it’s like you were accidentally checking out your sister or something and I dont’ get it. You see if I could just wrap my head around the situation then maybe I could move on. Or maybe we could get together. But you have to decide what it is you want. Or maybe I could just send him that. What do you want from me? It’s not fair to me for you to smile one day & ignore me the next, when I have no idea what is going on with you or what I’m doing wrong. I question my every move. Which is maybe a good thing because it led me to the conclusion that your actions have very little to do with mine most of the time. You don’t disappear because I do something wrong. Unless wanting to talk to you and be your friend is wrong. Because that isn’t wrong. What’s wrong is having to hold back how you feel because you’re afraid of what someone else might think. Afraid of what their reaction might be. But the person I’m thinking of made his mistakes and fucked things up for himself. I shouldn’t have to pay for his issues anymore. I’ve paid enough. yeah probably wouldn’t send that whole last part, just those two sentences. Or maybe this. I’m so terrified right now. So afraid that you are going to start ignoring me again that I question my every move. I can’t live like this. I want you so bad, but I can’t deal with this the way it is. yeah not sending that. This is good for me, getting all this out. It’s probably not as good for me as say actually saying some of this to him, but it’s good. I’d also like to kick my ex in the balls. Really hard over and over. I have to see him again tonight, but at least his daughter will be there. I want to ask him for permission to date J. that probably won’t happen, but it’s there, churning in the back of my mind. Why bother with it if he doesn’t like me? What’s the point.
I’m finishing this on what is actually Day 38, but I’m only going to be talking about day 37, but I don’t feel like converting it out of the past tense so it sounds like I wrote it on Day 37 instead of today which is Day 38. lol
I was pretty much bumed yesterday. It didn’t go away and I was crying randomly through out the day. I was also annoyed by my ex. He has been on my jock lately and wanting to see me every day and it’s bugging the hell out of me. Yesterday it was driving to go see a car he might buy.
Last night wasn’t bad. I still had my moments of annoyance and of wishing ‘n missing, but I have the best little boy in the world and he brightened my night. Along with the pizza we bought 🙂
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