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January 2018 M T W T F S S « Nov 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30 31
I’m having a lot of trouble figuring things out. Who I want more than anyone is J. I feel like I’m getting some huge signs, the problem is that I don’t know how to read them because I can’t see past wanting him.
Last night I was feeling lonely because I’d pushed 2 people away the day before. ( the 10th) I’d pushed the one I talked about yesterday away, Bob. I also pushed my ex who’s married away. You know because sleeping with married guys is generally a bad thing.
I told my best friend about these things. She hardly talked to me that night or yesterday. I don’t exactly blame her. She is going through her own stuff. Well she is getting herself into some crazy shit. Just self destructive as fuck and she won’t listen to anyone. I guess she is learning the lesson’s she should have learned when she was in her 20’s. I just wish she wouldn’t drag me into her pointless disturbing dramas.
But, back to the point, what she thinks she wants is a great guy. Or she wants a fuck buddy or at the very least someone who wants her so bad they can’t wait to have her again. and I’ve got one guy straight up saying I was great and he’s ready to have an affair in part because the sex was so amazing. yeah, that’s gotta be tough. The other one can’t leave me alone and has been waiting for a chance to get me back for 9 yrs.
Then there is the ex “Angel” ( I gotta get some consistent code names damn) who keeps coming back even though I thoroughly kick him to the curb. This is the one who I was writing about in a “how to lose a guy in 10 days” sort of way. Yeah he’s back, and part of what is inspiring me to tell them all I’m not ready for this. not for any of it.
He basically said I have a month before he leaves and I should go out with him. We’ve chatted a little since then, but not much.
So yes back to 24 hrs ago. I was lonely and drinking a beer. This particular beer always reminds me of the guy I was with the first time I drank it. So I told him that. Two simple sentences… it started something that blew my mind. Like What the fuck was that? Blew my fucking mind.
He started out with I think of you too, went right into would you have sex with me and went into I’m sorry, I’m an idiot, I should have treated you better, I”ve been thinking about you all the time for the last 15 yrs, I should have married you, marry me. He asked me three times. I couldn’t quite handle it. I knew it was more or less drunk talk, but I also knew he meant it in a way.
That was of course the cliff notes version. Even for me it was hard to describe. The emotion that came across the page, the emotions I felt. I told him that I was a mess, than I couldn’t handle a relationship right now.
I think he passed out and woke up 3 hrs later because when I checked my messages in the morning He was like holyshit! I’m sorry idk why I said all that, and can me more or less forget it ever happened. I tried to gracefully say it was all ok, that we’d chalk it up to drunk txt and leave it at that. then I thanked him.
I was so close to txt’n J last night. I just kept thinking if all these other guys are saying this stuff what about him? What if now is the time? And what if it’s not? What if it just annoys him? He’s one of the rare cases when saying something might actually be worse than saying nothing.
I had to talk to my friend about it. But I didn’t want to tell her the real story. Especially after I found out they guy she’s trying to do the fuck buddy thing with brought another girl around to hang out with her little “group” by where she lives.
I told her one of my other friends got a long lost love heart to heart msg. instead. I said that if I heard about one more heart to heart I’d send the txt to J. Bob msg’d me again. He did his best to deny everything I told him. That there was no one better, he didn’t overestimate me bla bla. I couldn’t deal and don’t want to.
The married guy also wrote to me. Nothing important, just saying that his weekend wasn’t as fun as it was when we used to do his weekend outing together. At least that is what he hinted at, if not outright said it.
I didn’t text J. I’m too scared. All day I’ve been asking for signs. If I see him or think I do I should send it. If I see the show that has his name in the title I can send it. Begging for a sign that I should.
I asked my dice, they said yes one time and no another. I did think I saw his truck, there was a passenger who was staring at the apartments, but not at mine. I couldn’t remember if that was before or after I can up with that idea though. I did see the show was on. I was too scared, I never sent it. Nothing was firm enough to convince me it was ok, that it was a good idea.
I think about all these guys and I try to figure out what I’m supposed to be seeing. Am I supposed to be seeing things from their perspective? Are these guys saying these things to me so I know how J feels when I do it to him? The hurt, the confusion, the just not being able to give them what they want but caring about them still? Even the ones who annoy the hell out of me?
Am I supposed to feel what they are feeling? To know their pain and feelings of rejection? To know I”m hurting them by not giving them what they want? By not loving them the way they love me? To know exactly the pain they are going through because it’s the same pain I feel because J is doing to me what I’m doing that to them.
I feel all of it. It’s overwhelming and I don’t know what I’m supposed to do. I don’t know which way to go. I don’t even know what to feel anymore. Asshole even jumped into the act. He asked if I could do him a favor, I said well I was playing on a day trip to Paris, but I guess I can put it of. It was the first city overseas that came to mind. He said well you can’t go to the city of love so help me. I said why? because i have no heart? He said no, because I’ll give the best 3 mins of your life.
Fuck man really? Like I need another one.
In the last week I’ve had 4 straight up offers of sex, have been basically asked on 3 formal dates and 1 casual one ( or maybe 2 and 2, not sure if you should figure out a way to hang out before I leave is formal or not… smh) in various combinations by 5 different guys.
And the one who haunts me is no where to be found. I’m not sure what breaks my heart more.
It goes through my head if these guys can fall this in love with me, want me this bad how could J not want me? Why doesn’t he want me? What did I do that was so bad? Everyone loves me, why doesn’t he love me? No one gets that close to me and doesn’t fall head over heals….
And under other circumstances I would sound understandably conceded. But I’ve had 3 guys in 2 days tell me they can’t stop thinking about me and can’t get over me and that they’ve been holding on anywhere from 9 to 15 yrs. And I could easily throw Asshole on that pile as well.
That is where other confusion comes in. My brain will start to think is J holding it in too? Pretending that he doesn’t care?
I read two articles today. One was on delusions, the other on repression. One made me feel like it was all in my head when it comes to J. The other made me think it was him. That he was just repressing his feelings for me because he can’t handle them. It sounds stupid, but knowing him, knowing the details of the article. I mean if it says anything J hasn’t has sex in 6 yrs. And he’s a really good looking guy. everyone things he’s at least cute. and I know there have been girls he could be with, but hasn’t. Nice girls, cute girls. Good girls and bad ones.
He’s got major commitment issues & religious hang ups. god only knows why I still want him.
Something I have said a lot on this is that I haven’t written in a while. But that is usually a good thing because a lot of times I write a lot when I’m stressed or sad. When I was young I used to sing when I was sad.
I pushed some people away recently. You know the usual. The ex who’s married trying to push me into seeing him. You know just something like lets meet next week for a drink. I said that was a bad idea. He pushed a little more and I had to set him straight. Not mean really, but I did say look you can keep asking and I can keep saying no or you can just talk to me on here.
The thing with him is that meeting for a drink isn’t simply meeting for a drink. It’s prelude to sex. What he and I had was amazing. Maybe too good to last, maybe the kind of thing that couldn’t. But he was hurting. He’s lonely & bored. I didn’t know what to do.
On the same night I talked to another guy. Another person from the past who keeps showing up. We had a short intense relationship. Which ended when he told me he was in love with someone else. I was falling in love with him.
Every few years we’d reconnect, but it never worked. Thinking back I think every time after the first time was about him wanting more than I could give him. I think in every relationship that has the potential to be love there is a magic point. This point can be at different points in the relationship for each person, but each one has is. If you mess things up on one side of the point, you don’t fall in love. If, you mess them up on the other side though, you will always love them, regardless if it ever works.
He was on the side where he fell in love, I was on the other side. And though I care about him and love him, I think he crushed me too deeply without putting in the time needed. Idk, I just know that it didn’t work, doesn’t work.
So I told him that his pushing me to do what he wanted was pushing me away. I’m assertive bordering on aggressive. I think he’s a little to far on the aggressive end for me. I told him more or less that I cared for him, that I understand how he felt because I’d felt that way about people ( J) but that he needed to stop the idea that I was the one and open himself to the idea of being with someone else. Someone that would fit with him better.
I imagine that he didn’t take it well, but he hasn’t unfriended me or blocked me yet.
I’m usually more reflective around my birthday, but I think I did quite a bit of reflection lately, so this may be a yr I’m skipping some of it. I think this yr is more of a time for action.
I do miss J though. I’m not even sure if miss is exactly the right word. I’m wanting to make things right between us and I don’t know how. It bothers me. The issues between us are affecting getting over him. And me moving on. But I don’t know how to talk to him without bugging him. Idk if talking to him is going to bug him, or if he feels the same way I do. Will trying to talk to him make things worse or better?
Damn I wish he wasn’t so fine. That would make things so much easier. I’m not good with these situations. Especially when things are so close to home. I guess I work on other things and hope that this works itself out.
Other than that I’m trying to focus on forward movement.
Well this experiment went a little too well. Either I know that guy way to well or he is super easy to push away because it seems he has decided to bail on all efforts to pursue me.
It was the day before my birthday, maybe it was two days before, anyway G hadn’t gotten back to me after I asked him if he was house sitting or still living with his parents. The question was in reply to him saying he was working around their house taking care of some stuff for them.
It was a legit question since he’s never mentioned to me if he had moved out. And because he always seems to contact me when they are out of town…
I had been waiting around two days for a reply and thought screw it. I’m tired of playing. He can work for it or he can step the hell off. I sent a message saying that I didn’t know why he’d asked me what I was doing this week, but that I was kinda seeing someone. That it was really new and I didn’t know where it was going, but there it was. If he wanted to grab a coffee somewhere and catch up though that would be great 🙂
He didn’t respond. Would have showed some character if he had in some way. Some response, some clue as to why he showed up at all. But nothing, all it says is that you aren’t worth my time if you aren’t going to be easy. And it’s a well known fact I’m never easy, even with no strings.
I tend to evoke strong emotion in men. Love, hate, lust, disgust, joy, or pain. Obsession, repulsion, desire, fascination. Often in interesting combinations.
It’s not like he and I have no history. We have a lot of history. Years of history. Years of “dating” of being friends. He walked away, he never committed to me. He never put himself out there to have a relationship with me. He put himself out there to have a fling that lasted 3 or 4 yrs.
It was fine at the time, because that is what I wanted and when that wasn’t what I wanted anymore? I talked to him. I tried to make him understand. His response was to be distant and date others, so I walked away.
Now he shows up randomly and tries to hook up. Yeah not really what I’m looking for. Again when I try to talk to him, try to be friends, try to get to know him again after a few yrs of being absent from his life he is unresponsive. so yeah I walk away. Or push him away.
There are times when I would just add this info to the post I already did today, but hey, not gonna do it this time. Then again sometimes it works out that it actually gets posted 3 days later…
I had a really good day last Friday. I was happy and in a good mood. It made me miss J though. There is this other guy named Bob who is one of my ex’s. He’s shown up again. He’s the one who is making me realize the depth of my mistakes with J.
I am trying desperately to move on from J. G, Bob, one or two other guys I’m friends with. A couple of dating sites. I get momentary thrills, but it’s not really the same.
On mothers day eve I had a dream. It was in the morning almost when I was ready to get up.
It’s hard when your partner in crime and best friend gets the man she wants and you are sitting in the depths of relationship hell.