Self Reflection 5-Day Challenge Answers Day 1

Day 1: How to change habits

What motivates me to keep up with a habit?

Pretty much nothing, which is why it’s so hard to change them. I guess if there was one thing that motivates me, it’s if it improves and/or simplifies my life or makes me happy

When I want to quit, what can I tell myself to get me back on track?

This is good for me or for my son. This will make my life better. This will simplify things.

How do you think some of your bad habits were formed?

I get tired and depressed and into survival mode. Stuff I learned as a child.

Thinking of your future self, what habits do they have?

They eat well, are organized, has a system to stay on top of everything.

How can you incorporate habits of the person you want to become in your daily life now?

Start eating healthier, work on organizing and putting systems into action.

What habits are you proud of?

Pretty much none of them?

How are you going to incorporate these new habits without getting overwhelmed?

Thats easy. Start slow, not be hard on myself screwing up, but push myself to keep going.

What can you reward yourself with for completing your new daily habits?

I’m not sure to be honest. Good food? Yeah, goes against eating well. A prize or special present? Not if I’m broke… Maybe I’ll be able to think of something… Or if any of you read this, what do you suggest?

Day 2: How To Reach Your Goals

Is what I’m doing in my daily life bringing me closer or farther away from my goals?

Both. There are some things I do that take me farther away from them. Other things I do take me closer, but not as fast as I would like.

Am I happy with how I spend my time?

I’m not happy, so is it even relevant? Sometimes I’m happy with how I spend my time. Most of the time I’m not, at least not recently.

What steps can I take to get closer to where I want to be in the future?

Managing my time better would be one. But I think I need to start at a different place than that. I guess the 1st step would be to determine what and where I want to be.

What is one goal that scares me?

Pretty much all of them honestly. I have a larger fear of success than I do of failure. I have a fear of succeeding, having everything I want, then fucking it up for losing it. That is way worse than never having it.

What is one goal I am confident in?

None, honestly. I’m not confident about any of them. I’m not sure what I want.  

Am I excited about my goals?

No, I’m afraid of them. I also don’t know what I want anymore. I’m back in survival mode. Everything is about survival.

What is one goal I can accomplish this week?

I can figure out what my goals are. I can make a list of habits I want and I can make a plan.

How can I make sure I stay on track towards achieving my goals?

Stay on top of them and stay healthy, I guess. If I knew how to do this I’d already be doing it. So, maybe I learn how to stay on track.

When I want to quit, what am I going to tell myself to get me to stay motivated?

Determination, I suppose. That the only way to have a better life and my son’s is to follow through improve my life.

How many times a year am I going to check in with my progress on my goals?

I’m not sure yet. It depends on the goal. The first ones will probably be small, so very often. Other ones, monthly or quarterly.

Who am I going to share my goals with to help keep me accountable?

My son keeps me on track. He protects me. Probably Paul, maybe someone else down the line.

Day 3: Managing Money

Are you happy with the ways you spend money?

What could you cut back on?

How many streams of income do you currently have?

What else could you do to create more?

Do you forgive yself for past money mistakes?

What have you learned about money so far?

What are your parents’ views on money? Did they influence yours?

How can you start practicing gratitude for the money you do have?

What are you going to tell yourself to avoid spending money in your savings account?

How are yu going to stop yourself from being influenced by others to spend?

Day 4: Finding Your Purpose in Life

What Do you feel your purpose is? Family, life, career?

Why are you here?

What do you want to be remembered for?

What kind of legacy do you want to leave?

What were you doing when you felt the most alive?

What are you motivated by?

What are you willing to sacrifice for?

Who inspires you?

What storeis inspire you?

If you feel that you are currently not living your purpose, how are you going to transition so you are?

Who can you talk to when you feel lost?

What fears do I need to manage?

What do I want to become?

Day 5: Living Your Truth

3 things you like about yourself

3 things you’re proud of

3 things that make you happy

3 affirmations you’ll tell yourself when feeling down

a list of people you’re grateful for

Sat. May 4, 2024

Ok I’m stressing and not sure why. Too many things going through my mind. Too many things I want to do and need to do. Therefore I must sit and do nothing because I’m just trying to get calm enough to do something.

So I’m writing. I’m lonely. I hate my upstairs neighbors. I really want to get out of this place. Part of me really likes where I live, but I have so much trauma here. It’s like a constant attack. The people and the memories.

I don’t know if anyone understands what its like for me here.

Also, there is just so much that I want to do. Things that need to be cleaned, things I want to do. but there is so much to do before I can do what I want to do.

I get so scattered and pulled in so many directions. I wish I could find someone to love. All these guys want me to be who I’ve always been. Friends with benefits. It’s been great, but I want more. God only knows why because I’m committed relationships have been interesting at best. I just wish I had someone to talk to.

April 27, 2024

Ok, while I think I really need to do a deep dive on this, I really don’t have it in my tonight. I’m hoping a little of this will get things out of my system enough.

I know Brad has thought this is weird before, as well as some other people, maybe including my sister. Well I think most of her weirdness was Asshole related, but whatever.

I usually stay friends with my exes. They usually start as friends or at the very least good acquaintances. Or sometimes they are by referral. One of my friends friends. And in some cases it’s very hard to avoid them. I remember one night I went to 4 venues, saw 5 exes and 7 bands. That was a damn fine night LMFAO.

Anyway, yeah I stay friends with my exes. sometimes I revisit the relationship, sometimes its a safe drunken hook-up. Sometimes we’re just cool as hell.

I’ve always thought this was really normal and healthy. Honestly I still think it is for the most part. But…
Then it also bleeds into these non committed, committed relationships I have. Pette, Brad, Clayton, shit, most of my “serious” longer term relationships, the ones that last years or even decades. They are all non committed. They are friends with benefits.

The point here not delivering into my romantic history is this is how my mom was in her relationships. Right down to the “oh they are just friends” thing.

This is something I’m totally comfortable with. It feels like totally normal to me. I’ve often had relationships like this, or that start like this and either turn into something more or something less. And It’s what I saw my mom do. And as desperately as I’ve been trying to have a boyfriend so Colin would have a good male influence, and know how to have a healthy relationship, I’m doing the same thing….

Not to be clear, I never knew any of these guys were my mom’s friend with benefits. I only thought they were her friends or exes she was still friends with. Honestly I’m a little shook and I really need to talk to someone about this. I’d talk to Brad, but he’s asleep and busy.

April 24, 2024

Another one of those days… weeks?

Ok, so I’m anxious. Could be post, full moon energy, it could be something else. Brad and I are in kinda a weird place right now. At least it feels like it to me.

I’m very open with him and have been telling him what I’m going through for the most part. Which has been a whole hell of a lot. Last week was hell, which sucks, I think I’ve touched on almost everything here already, so I’m not gonna do a backstory.

I tried to talk to Brad over the weekend. I touched base with him after I got home on Saturday. I didn’t hear from him. I sent pics the next day on Sunday. He just replied it looks like a good day that night or maybe Monday.

On maybe Monday evening I said hey sorry I’ve been quiet, I think I got too much sun and feel like shit.

At some point he replied with you just got too much sun, you’ll recover. For some reason this kinda rubbed me the wrong way. But I still joked, yeah I will, but it’s still feels sucky lol

Nothing. I sent a kiss emoji earlier today. nothing. Later I sent a happy hump day message, said I hoped his week is going well and then that I was feeling better.

a few mins later he sent a message happy you’ve recovered and are feeling better.

It’s all feeling very formal. So I asked if he was doing ok.

He said he was doing fine and thank you for asking.

At this point I’m wondering if his boss is looking for his shoulder and thought I’d shake him up a little bit. It’s worked in the past. Sometimes he needs to be reminded we’re having sex not attending business meetings together. So I sent a cleavage shot and said Boo!

2 hours later still nothing. he hasn’t even looked at the messages other than the previews, maybe. I mean he could be asleep, but really?

So I’m like WTF? I’m wondering if some of the pictures bothered him? I mean my ex is in one of them, but he knows I hate this mother fucker. Or is he thinking about how I had to sell my soul to get my kid to a like an hour away and he’s sending his to Europe? I just think about the conversation we had when he went on the cruise. That we really live in different worlds. This is exactly what I was talking about.

Maybe he’s thinking I don’t have enough energy to make this work. Like Damn she’s really poor, and I’m really not. and there is just no consolidating this. I don’t fucking know.

And at this point, after writing this I’m more pissed and/or irritated.

We went from darling on Friday night to talking to me like a secretary today.

I don’t think I’m gonna let this go either. He better come back with something. If he doesn’t I think I’m going to call him out. All I can say is that if the next time he talks to me he calling to hook up, I’m gonna be pissed.

I don’t care if we’re just “friends with benefits* if you aren’t holding up your end of the friends bargain I’ll call you out on that shit.

Like I said, I prefer the fuck buddies term, because that’s more honest. At least for some people. I don’t know what’s going on with him. I don’t know what to do. I wish he’d message me. I’m restless. I stay here I’m restless and want to leave. I leave, I have a panic attack.

Fri April 19, 2024

Saying it’s been a rough week is an understatement. My week has been really shitty. I’ve cried pretty much every day. Sadly, I’m not sure what exactly I was crying about.

It could have been my friend dying, or about having to deal with Asshole this, and last weekend. It could even have in part to do with Brad sending his kids on a tour of Spain and Italy. When I can’t even get mine to a lake an hour away without selling my soul.

I’m really really not ok. But I just have one more day to get through, then I’ll have a break. During that break I’m going to do a lot of energy work. Healing, protection, and banishing.

I’m pretty much fucked up. Hopefully, I’ll get some ok sleep tonight, hope everything goes well tomorrow. One day at at time. Yeah… I’m sure that’s how it works.

April 16, 2024 (mid-day)

I don’t have long to write so I’ll probably add more later. Yeah. this will be more outline of what I need to add.

Sonny’s Birthday was Sunday, we went out with Asshole and his gf.

Found out that day one of my old friends died.

Between those two things, I’ve been a mess, but trying to keep things normal.

Brad and I are good. Asked him about that be yourself thing. It was nothing. More something he says, not a “hint” or something. That was last night.

Yeah gotta get ready for work now.

Friday, April 12, 2024

I’m feeling a little tense today. Or at least this evening. I really shouldn’t be this awake and nervous this late at night. I’m not sure where to start with things. I mean, what’s “bothering” me right now is a little up in the air.

I do miss talking to Brad. We’ve been talking less lately, but seeing each other a bit more. I mean anything is more than once every year. But it’s been maybe once a month?

He said he wanted to help me pay for some work on my car. He seemed to be surprised when he heard my sister sent me a little money to help me with my car. Or maybe it was that I put it on Facebook. But I do share my hardships on there more than my successes. But then again, I don’t think I have any successes.

I was really happy when Brad said he’d help me with the car. It just made me happy that he wants to go there with me. Especially because I was starting to think he was getting sick of me or mad at me.

He wasn’t, and he knew he had messed up a little bit. Cuz the next day he kissed my ass. and then I sucked his dick. Yes, kissing my ass and being nice goes a very long way with me. Especially when you really didn’t do that much wrong.

I think I need to start writing here more and just spend more time focusing on me. Cuz I’ve really been missing him lately. I’ve missed talking to him. I just have. I can’t help it. I haven’t been real flirty lately though.

It might have something to do with the energy going on. This last week has been crazy astrological. Last week was actually supposed to be one of the craziest weeks energetically. April in general has a lot going on.

He also said two things that are stuck in my mind. One was that he was at husband of my ex best friends house. Now he may have said that because we don’t really talk about my ex bestie. So it may have just been that.

But he also mentioned he wants me to be myself. We’ll get back to that. The two of these together though make me wonder if the ex bestie and her husband finally broke up. I wouldn’t be shocked at all, they’ve almost done it a few times. Mostly because sheisn’t really being who she is. She’s playing house, in the bad way.

I do kinda want to ask him if I did something to make him think I wasn’t being genuine. Or something. I’ll have to go over some things. I also need to call. I’ve got a lot to do. It’s my son’s birthday this Sunday and I’m not ready. and the next weekend or two we are doing stuff because of it.

I love him and doing things with him, it’s all the other people and my car that stress me out. I always feel like I haven’t done enough. That’s why I feel like I don’t have any successes. I never feel like I’m succeeding, just that I’m surviving.

I guess I just have to try and keep going.

April 7, 2924 early

Brad still hasn’t messaged me. 2 full days and it’s the longest we haven’t talked in a couple months. I’m hating this, and don’t know what is up his ass.

Ok, I had to get that out. Yeah I could message him. But fuck that. He gave me the impression he didn’t want to talk, so nothing. at least for a min. cuz I’m trying not to be irrational, but the longer we go without talking the more irrational I’m gonna be. I just don’t know why he’s distant. if I knew that I’d be better.

I know he’ll be back, I know he’s busy and tired and not my boyfriend. But I dislike the lack of checking in. The checking-in gives me stability and calm. GRRR.
Whatever, fine. I don’t like this. I’m sure it’s some lesson I’m supposed to learn though. I just don’t want to deal with this. Fucking pissed comes to mind. Don’t fucking play.

Sat. April 6, 2024

Things are ok. I’m tired lately and have been sleeping a lot. I’m trying to change my schedule back up again, but I’ve been tired. It’s setting me back a bit, but I have been working and making pretty good money again. Well, at least enough to put out the fires that have been constantly coming up.

Brad and I are doing what we do. Haven’t had a lot of time to talk in the last few weeks. I’m ok with it I think a little distance can be good. especially right now. With this energy going on and the retrograde I think it’s good we aren’t up in each other’s business.

To me, it means we’re dealing with things outside of the relationship, and in other words, our relationship is fine. Our energy is directed towards other things that aren’t, things in the past.

I have been feeling pretty overwhelmed lately. Tired and sore physically, not focused mentally, and having trouble knowing what to do. So I go back and forth between doing, thinking about doing, and just giving in to the need to do nothing.

I did a podcast for April. I realized I totally took March off. March was a tough month, so I’m being nice to myself about it. I also know I need to rebrand to the new name. Too many steps seems to be very overwhelming for me right now though.

But I did so one and I also took the burden off of doing video’s. I have a spot I can use right next to me on the cough now. I don’t know why I thought it had to be somewhere else. Ok that’s it for now

April 5, 2024

I haven’t been writing as much. All things considered, it’s probably a good thing. Brad and I are good, but we haven’t gotten to talk much. He’s going on his 2nd straight week of work. I figure the eclipses and retrograde are messing with him.

What’s confusing me when it comes to him is that he keeps saying things that could be conversation enders, but I don’t always take them as that. I also wonder if he’s wanting to send me little messages, or if he’s just doing it to reply to me. You know, like thinking you need to reply as a courtesy.

Somtimes I have trouble deciphering what he says. He’s talks like a really great motivational manager at work. But it’s really hard to date someone who’s always talking like that. sometimes I have to shake it out of him. But he can also be really really sweet. I don’t doubt that he cares. I don’t think he knows how to show it though. Maybe he can’t even admit it to himself fully. I think he gets guilty too. I’m not sure if its because he has feelings for me and feels guilty around his kids or if its because he doesn’t really feel that much for me and it’s more obvious when he’s with his kids. I just don’t know for sure, but I do know he cares.

Nothing else much. Planning for my son’s birthday. We didn’t see anyone on Easter. Just he and I went for a drive and a little walk once we got to our destination. It was wonderful. Just my kind of Easter, reminded me of some of the best I had with my mom.

In other areas, I’ve been feeling overwhelmed the last few days. But with everything going on I’m trying to give myself a break. I’ve been having that restless, don’t know what to do, going in circles kind of feeling. Not wanting to start something because I know I don’t have it in me to finish. Or knew I didn’t have enough time to finish.

I’m pretty sure things are fine with me. I also started my period… today? LOL I love that I have trouble remembering if it was today or yesterday. 3am time for bed.

March 29, 2024

I’m not exactly sure what is bugging me, but I’m restless. It’s Thursday night. I wanted to stay home tonight, but instead I worked and made a much needed $50. I saw Brad late on Tuesday night. I have to say I really do like our late night encounters. It’s basically a booty call with chit chat. It’s him so I don’t mind. He wanted it to be my idea.

Same night earlier, I had a pick up at RO’s restaurant. He was in the back cooking or running the line. I’m not sure if he saw me and as soon as I saw him I went around the corner. I was uncomfortable and restless. Sometimes that place is really slow to get orders out. Anyway while I was there he came out and said hi to a lady and her baby. Then another woman came in and she stepped in by the kitchen to talk to him.

I wasn’t exactly jealous, but I really was wondering what did I do? I asked the dice and it said he didn’t see me. but I’m not sure it would have mattered. I just wish I could have sat there and waited without feeling weird. I just don’t know what’s up or what to do.

In between those I saw something really horrible. This is where I tell you to stop reading if you are
sensitive to animal cruelty. No really

and

this

your

last

Chance

I was driving to deliver an order I actually missed the turn because I saw two glowing eyes in the middle of the street. It was a raccoon. it had been hit, which I’ve seen. But it was still alive and trying to crawl out of the road. And I’m pretty sure it was the most horrible things Ive ever seen.

I’m trying to forget about it.

I talked to Brad a little bit about my dreams earlier. Not my hopes and dreams, but my when I’m sleeping dreams. I think he fell asleep before he read about some of the things I dream about. probably a good thing. I think he can take it. I guess we’ll see.

it’s 3am here, only a little past my bedtime. but I do gotta go to sleep soon.